Grady is 6 months old. It's been 6 months....six months since I met and said goodbye to Cullen.
Several of my new friends, like myself, have had the worst year ever. It's amazing how people in general can complain of how horrible life or even a day can be....Most of the time, those people really don't know how horrible it can get. Most people don't know what it's like to have their world ripped to shreds. Destroyed in a single moment.
The Allison everyone knew, the one that posted on facebook "it's time" on June 24th at 6am.....IS GONE. FOREVER. The person I was.....is lost. Never to return. And as the year is ending tonight, a memory.
I still don't know who I am. I don't know much at all. I feel at times I have amnesia, and am trying to find myself only to realize I'm having to make a new life....
I'm numb. Not really sure when the "feeling" will come back, if ever.
I hope 2012 will bring me some peace, some "feeling", some HOPE. I would love to have faith. Faith in something. Not really sure if it's God....but maybe just faith in myself.
I need to have that faith in myself for my family....my husband, my beautiful children. MYSELF.
That is my goal for 2012. My resolution.
I've been afraid to say goodbye to 2011. I feel as if I'm saying goodbye to Cullen. But as my friends remind me, it's not HIM. It's the PAIN.....goodbye to the anguish I have felt and the blame I have had. The blame I have on myself. I have felt I caused this. That I deserved this. I MUST let it go.....
So 30 minutes from now.....I'm freeing myself from the pain I have caused myself. I'm letting it go.....because it's NOT my fault.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
who am I
It’s been 21 weeks since the boys were born. 21 painful, confusing, stressful, stomach turning, sleepless, tearful weeks. At the same time it’s been amazing having Grady. Even though I have the girls, I never knew that the love I have for Grady existed. I wonder if that makes me a bad mother. I feel that way. I’m not the mother I was hoping to be. I’m lost. I have no patience. I’m angry. I’m weak and I’m tired. I’ve been told I’m so strong. Well, I have no choice. I am the way I am because I have to be. But I’m not “strong” all the time. There are times I can’t see my girls’ smiles through my tears. I cry while I cook. I cry while I drive. I cry changing Grady. I cry in the shower. I think of Cullen every day. Every hour. Every Friday I replay the day they were born. Over and over. I’m often asked if I’m “seeing someone” if I’m “getting help.” I laugh at it. The answer is yes. I am in therapy. Is it helping....yes. Am I on medication. Yes. I can NOT imagine dealing with everyday life without it. I wish I could get enough to make me numb. But I know it’s not possible. Grady makes me smile. I know he’s a miracle. If it weren’t for Cullen making me go into labor, and I KNOW his distress made me....we wouldn’t have Grady. He’s my sunshine. At times, he’s the reason I can get out of bed. I’m a twister of emotion. I hate it. Most of the time I can’t describe how I feel. One minute I’m going through my day, the next it hits me like a runaway train and I’m sobbing. My mind goes a mile a minute ALL the time. I still think ‘what if’ I will forever think WHAT IF. Grady likes to laugh at himself in front of the mirror. He should be looking at Cullen. I should have 2 beautiful faces to make me smile. But then more guilt. If I had both of them I would be that twin mom desperate for a break. I’d be the mom saying it was hard. That I got no sleep. I don’t think I’d appreciate what I had. You often don’t until you don’t have it. I’d be the mom I now despise. The one I’m SO jealous of. So envious of. This “special club” I’m now in....sucks. The only other people that truly know what I am going through are amazing. THEY are my therapy. THEY are my saving graces. THEY I have never met. THEY are just like me. THEY have what we call a survivor and and angel. Without these women....well...I don’t want to know. I log onto facebook to see how THEY are doing. See if THEY are having a bad day or a better day. THEY are all over the world, yet all in my heart. On my good days, I like to think of all of our angels together “somewhere.” I don’t like to say Heaven because I’ve had a hard time believing in God. More so now than ever really. I WANT to believe, but really struggle. I want to believe in Heaven. That Cullen is being taken care of. That I will see him again. But I just don’t know how. If there is a God, why does he let this happen? WHY does he take precious babies? I’ve heard that God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle. I can’t handle this. I’m on medication that isn’t ENOUGH to take the pain away. I can hardly live my life without feeling completely lost and weak. I feel the weeks are just passing me by and I’m missing out on so much. How can I be excited for life again. How do I get through this. I know I will be told to give it time....but I just can’t see that helping much. The pain, the hurt.....will ALWAYS hurt this much....that will never change. It’s just such a lonely road to travel. A road that everyone experiences slightly different. During my ‘good’ moments, I know it’ll get better....it HAS too! But, on my weak moments, which are more often then I’d like to admit.....I feel like it’ll never be ok. That I will be “fake Allison” forever. That I will never really know myself. It’s a horrible feeling not knowing yourself.
Friday, September 9, 2011
I'd like less excitement please.....
August 22 2011
So much has happened in the past few weeks, I've been wanting to write, but for some reason I just haven't had the time....imagine that!
Grady and the trip to the ER- August 9
For a few days prior, Grady had been more fussy, he was spitting up a whole lot more through his nose and it would be curdled. I also noticed that on Tuesday all day long he would fall asleep while eating, which is his favorite past time, and he was pretty lethargic, when he did fall asleep, I could hardly wake him. I sat on the couch at 8pm holding him rocking him back and forth just crying. I had this motherly instinct something was just NOT right. But maybe I was overreacting, maybe I was making it up, maybe I was just paranoid because of Cullen. I couldn't lose Grady too. I have GREAT intuition, I hate when I doubt what I feel....but I'm SO worried with Grady....I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Thank goodness Jimmy didn't listen to me. He called the pediatrician and we waited for a call back....it was about 8:30pm. Thankfully it was Grady's actual Doctor on call that night....he knew his background (and most importantly, knew how crazy I am!) He called back and informed me that since Grady was just 6 weeks old, that he was lethargic and that I saw a large difference in his personality I needed to take him to the ER....why did I doubt myself, why did I think they would tell me to just come in tomorrow?!?!
I took him to the ER and was seen by the pediatric hospitalist within an hour or so from the time I left my house. Dr. Smith was from Children’s National just like the NICU doctors. She checked Grady out, agreeing with me that it mostly sounded like reflux, but wanted to take an abdominal x-ray to check things out. Grady had blood drawn and was also seen by the ER doctor as well. According to my Facebook status updates, Grady and I were “Hanging out in the ER” at 11:15pm....an hour later I posted he was being “airlifted to Children’s National in DC.” Well, the x-ray revealed that he possibly had a blockage in his intestines, and if it was in fact a blockage he needed to be close to a pediatric surgeon.
Once again, thank goodness for good friends. It was midnight and I was trying to figure out how I was going to get some clothes to me at the hospital before being flown to DC. One of my good friends had her phone near her while she slept and said she would drive to my house gather my things that Jimmy got together and brought them to me....with about 20 minutes to spare before the transport team got to the hospital.
As usual for me, everything was surreal. At the same time, I think I was in denial of it all. I ACTUALLY thought that I would just drive him to children’s in the morning when Dr. Smith said he needed to be in a facility with a surgeon. REALLY?!? Once she told me he was being transported by helicopter it hit me, sort of.
The Pediatric transport team arrived and prepped Grady for transport. More blood was taken, an NG tube placed, (mainly so Grady wouldn’t aspirate in flight it also doubles as suction), EKG leads, a temperature monitor, O2 saturated monitor and IV placed. Oh, and don’t forget about his cute little yellow earmuffs. He was then swaddled, and placed in the transport incubator. At this point I thought he’d be crying because he was so hungry....but he slept. The helicopter ride lasted about 50 minutes, making our arrival to DC at 2:45am. Talk about a whirlwind experience.
Children’s National is an AMAZING hospital. The NICU has 54 beds designed as private rooms or ‘pods’ (4 babies in one large room.) More than 1,300 nurses work at Children’s...Grady’s nurses took care of him and just one other baby per shift.
The arrival was quite a blur. I know at some point another x-ray was taken to be compared with the one from earlier that evening. Surgical rounds started early and they came and looked at Grady and his X-ray. I was told “you will not be needing my services” YAY!
I was so happy to see a familiar face walk in the room after surgical rounds. Dr. Stone, Grady’s original NICU doctor was there and he was assigned to Grady. I must say, Dr. Stone is amazing. Completely down to earth, passionate about what he does, direct and honest. With all that has happened the past 9 weeks, he’s just been wonderful. I’ve emailed with him and spoken on the phone and speaking to him is like speaking to an old friend. To have this relationship with him means the world to me.
That first full day, Wednesday, Grady was given a blood transfusion and placed on 3 different antibiotics. His hematocrit was only 21 which explains why he was so sleepy. They did blood cultures Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. He was finally allowed to start eating again that Wednesday evening, he was a happy boy!
SO what the heck happened, right? Grady’s blood tests showed that once again he was severely anemic. As when he was born, the blood that he did have went to the major organ systems, Brain, Lungs, Heart and Adrenal glands....his GI slowed down, which is why his stomach wasn’t pushing food through at a normal rate, why he was spitting up curdled milk. His bowels also showed lots of air because they too were moving very slowly.
Overall the treatment and care Grady received at Children’s National was AMAZING. I am SO thankful for the support I have been given by my family, friends and even strangers. Once again, I’ve been blown away by all the people who care so much. Being flown to DC with Grady and holding in all the emotion was difficult...but just knowing how many people cared & were concerned, truly helped me so much.
Friday Sept 9th...
I’ve been through such lonely times the past 11 weeks, really it’s been a lot longer when you count the pregnancy with the boys. The past 2 weeks I’ve really been missing Cullen.
I tried to take some pictures of Grady in the pose that Cullen was in for most of his pictures. I even brought out Cullen’s little hat from the hospital. I’ll never know if they are identical for sure....but after taking some pictures...I just know they are. If not, they sure do look so much alike.
I really like being able to look at the picture of Cullen and compare him to Grady. Parts of me feel like I should be able to drive to the hospital and just see him again....take a better look at him. See what he looks like and smells like one more time. I hate that I just feel like I can do that....then I realize I can’t. He’s gone. Gone forever.
I drive by the funeral home often and all I can see is the chimney stack. Part of the time I HATE that I agreed to have him cremated. How could I have done that to him. I HATE looking at that chimney.
I belong to 2 groups on Facebook for parents of one surviving TTTS baby. It’s helped SO much knowing there are others that feel pretty much just like me. In fact 4 other TTTS little babies were born 11 weeks ago today. I hope Cullen has been able to meet Scarlett and Abigail where he is. I hope they don’t feel pain. I hope they all have been able to open their eyes and see there brother and sisters here on earth.
So much has happened in the past few weeks, I've been wanting to write, but for some reason I just haven't had the time....imagine that!
Grady and the trip to the ER- August 9
For a few days prior, Grady had been more fussy, he was spitting up a whole lot more through his nose and it would be curdled. I also noticed that on Tuesday all day long he would fall asleep while eating, which is his favorite past time, and he was pretty lethargic, when he did fall asleep, I could hardly wake him. I sat on the couch at 8pm holding him rocking him back and forth just crying. I had this motherly instinct something was just NOT right. But maybe I was overreacting, maybe I was making it up, maybe I was just paranoid because of Cullen. I couldn't lose Grady too. I have GREAT intuition, I hate when I doubt what I feel....but I'm SO worried with Grady....I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Thank goodness Jimmy didn't listen to me. He called the pediatrician and we waited for a call back....it was about 8:30pm. Thankfully it was Grady's actual Doctor on call that night....he knew his background (and most importantly, knew how crazy I am!) He called back and informed me that since Grady was just 6 weeks old, that he was lethargic and that I saw a large difference in his personality I needed to take him to the ER....why did I doubt myself, why did I think they would tell me to just come in tomorrow?!?!
I took him to the ER and was seen by the pediatric hospitalist within an hour or so from the time I left my house. Dr. Smith was from Children’s National just like the NICU doctors. She checked Grady out, agreeing with me that it mostly sounded like reflux, but wanted to take an abdominal x-ray to check things out. Grady had blood drawn and was also seen by the ER doctor as well. According to my Facebook status updates, Grady and I were “Hanging out in the ER” at 11:15pm....an hour later I posted he was being “airlifted to Children’s National in DC.” Well, the x-ray revealed that he possibly had a blockage in his intestines, and if it was in fact a blockage he needed to be close to a pediatric surgeon.
Once again, thank goodness for good friends. It was midnight and I was trying to figure out how I was going to get some clothes to me at the hospital before being flown to DC. One of my good friends had her phone near her while she slept and said she would drive to my house gather my things that Jimmy got together and brought them to me....with about 20 minutes to spare before the transport team got to the hospital.
As usual for me, everything was surreal. At the same time, I think I was in denial of it all. I ACTUALLY thought that I would just drive him to children’s in the morning when Dr. Smith said he needed to be in a facility with a surgeon. REALLY?!? Once she told me he was being transported by helicopter it hit me, sort of.
The Pediatric transport team arrived and prepped Grady for transport. More blood was taken, an NG tube placed, (mainly so Grady wouldn’t aspirate in flight it also doubles as suction), EKG leads, a temperature monitor, O2 saturated monitor and IV placed. Oh, and don’t forget about his cute little yellow earmuffs. He was then swaddled, and placed in the transport incubator. At this point I thought he’d be crying because he was so hungry....but he slept. The helicopter ride lasted about 50 minutes, making our arrival to DC at 2:45am. Talk about a whirlwind experience.
Children’s National is an AMAZING hospital. The NICU has 54 beds designed as private rooms or ‘pods’ (4 babies in one large room.) More than 1,300 nurses work at Children’s...Grady’s nurses took care of him and just one other baby per shift.
The arrival was quite a blur. I know at some point another x-ray was taken to be compared with the one from earlier that evening. Surgical rounds started early and they came and looked at Grady and his X-ray. I was told “you will not be needing my services” YAY!
I was so happy to see a familiar face walk in the room after surgical rounds. Dr. Stone, Grady’s original NICU doctor was there and he was assigned to Grady. I must say, Dr. Stone is amazing. Completely down to earth, passionate about what he does, direct and honest. With all that has happened the past 9 weeks, he’s just been wonderful. I’ve emailed with him and spoken on the phone and speaking to him is like speaking to an old friend. To have this relationship with him means the world to me.
That first full day, Wednesday, Grady was given a blood transfusion and placed on 3 different antibiotics. His hematocrit was only 21 which explains why he was so sleepy. They did blood cultures Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. He was finally allowed to start eating again that Wednesday evening, he was a happy boy!
SO what the heck happened, right? Grady’s blood tests showed that once again he was severely anemic. As when he was born, the blood that he did have went to the major organ systems, Brain, Lungs, Heart and Adrenal glands....his GI slowed down, which is why his stomach wasn’t pushing food through at a normal rate, why he was spitting up curdled milk. His bowels also showed lots of air because they too were moving very slowly.
Overall the treatment and care Grady received at Children’s National was AMAZING. I am SO thankful for the support I have been given by my family, friends and even strangers. Once again, I’ve been blown away by all the people who care so much. Being flown to DC with Grady and holding in all the emotion was difficult...but just knowing how many people cared & were concerned, truly helped me so much.
Friday Sept 9th...
I’ve been through such lonely times the past 11 weeks, really it’s been a lot longer when you count the pregnancy with the boys. The past 2 weeks I’ve really been missing Cullen.
I tried to take some pictures of Grady in the pose that Cullen was in for most of his pictures. I even brought out Cullen’s little hat from the hospital. I’ll never know if they are identical for sure....but after taking some pictures...I just know they are. If not, they sure do look so much alike.
I really like being able to look at the picture of Cullen and compare him to Grady. Parts of me feel like I should be able to drive to the hospital and just see him again....take a better look at him. See what he looks like and smells like one more time. I hate that I just feel like I can do that....then I realize I can’t. He’s gone. Gone forever.
I drive by the funeral home often and all I can see is the chimney stack. Part of the time I HATE that I agreed to have him cremated. How could I have done that to him. I HATE looking at that chimney.
I belong to 2 groups on Facebook for parents of one surviving TTTS baby. It’s helped SO much knowing there are others that feel pretty much just like me. In fact 4 other TTTS little babies were born 11 weeks ago today. I hope Cullen has been able to meet Scarlett and Abigail where he is. I hope they don’t feel pain. I hope they all have been able to open their eyes and see there brother and sisters here on earth.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
so sad
Yesterday I was asked how many children I had. Who ever knew that question would be so painful to answer. I said 4. But was hesitant only because I didn't want to go into detail. I hate surprising people with the details of Cullen. No one expects to hear your baby died the same day he was born. It SUCKS.
This has been a really difficult week. It's just taken forever....it's just been 9 days since the memorial and feels like a lifetime. It's been 6 weeks since I had the boys, it's the longest 6 weeks of my life. I miss Cullen SO much. I'm waiting to wake up from this horrible horrible nightmare. I want to hold him and cuddle him. I want to kiss his beautiful soft face. I want to rub his fuzzy head....Grady's hair is just as fuzzy on top now....I couldn't imagine not having him too.
Jimmy and I were out to dinner on Thursday while the girls were at Vacation Bible School....while staring at Grady I just started to cry. I wonder when it won't hurt as much. I wonder when I just won't start to cry. I wonder if my new normal will really feel normal. I love my family, but I hate that part of us is not here.
I've been told so many times how strong I am. Hearing that makes me feel like a fraud. I don't feel strong. In fact I'm a total mess, mentally and emotionally. I'm trying to fool myself at times. I really don't think any amount of medication or therapy will ever make me ok. When asked, How are you? How do I respond when in fact I have NO IDEA how I am. <sigh>
I think that when my mom was here I was purposely letting her have Grady most of the time. I've been in such a fog that with her or Jimmy feeding or changing him I didn't have to be hit with my reality of it being just Grady. I didn't have to think about only having one baby home. But now that she's gone, and I'm sharing the duties with Jimmy it's forcing me into the new normal....but I can't stop thinking about Cullen. I feel like I think and live in a cyclone. I'm in a downward spiral.....and I don't know which way is up, down or sideways. My feelings and emotions are all over the place.
As much as I thought I was ready to see my friends and talk. I’m finding it hard to write or call people. I have friends I was planning on calling and just haven’t. I feel I don’t have many positive things to say. I’ve been just anxious. It’s a strange place for me to be in. I usually thrive on my friendships. They mean so much to me. My friends make me happy. But I think with the way my life is right now...nothing can really make me happy. I struggle with it. It seems like I’m struggling in SO many ways.
This has been a really difficult week. It's just taken forever....it's just been 9 days since the memorial and feels like a lifetime. It's been 6 weeks since I had the boys, it's the longest 6 weeks of my life. I miss Cullen SO much. I'm waiting to wake up from this horrible horrible nightmare. I want to hold him and cuddle him. I want to kiss his beautiful soft face. I want to rub his fuzzy head....Grady's hair is just as fuzzy on top now....I couldn't imagine not having him too.
Jimmy and I were out to dinner on Thursday while the girls were at Vacation Bible School....while staring at Grady I just started to cry. I wonder when it won't hurt as much. I wonder when I just won't start to cry. I wonder if my new normal will really feel normal. I love my family, but I hate that part of us is not here.
I've been told so many times how strong I am. Hearing that makes me feel like a fraud. I don't feel strong. In fact I'm a total mess, mentally and emotionally. I'm trying to fool myself at times. I really don't think any amount of medication or therapy will ever make me ok. When asked, How are you? How do I respond when in fact I have NO IDEA how I am. <sigh>
I think that when my mom was here I was purposely letting her have Grady most of the time. I've been in such a fog that with her or Jimmy feeding or changing him I didn't have to be hit with my reality of it being just Grady. I didn't have to think about only having one baby home. But now that she's gone, and I'm sharing the duties with Jimmy it's forcing me into the new normal....but I can't stop thinking about Cullen. I feel like I think and live in a cyclone. I'm in a downward spiral.....and I don't know which way is up, down or sideways. My feelings and emotions are all over the place.
As much as I thought I was ready to see my friends and talk. I’m finding it hard to write or call people. I have friends I was planning on calling and just haven’t. I feel I don’t have many positive things to say. I’ve been just anxious. It’s a strange place for me to be in. I usually thrive on my friendships. They mean so much to me. My friends make me happy. But I think with the way my life is right now...nothing can really make me happy. I struggle with it. It seems like I’m struggling in SO many ways.
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