once again, it's been WAY too long.

Confession time.
Since January this year I have been on ZERO medication for my depression. What does that give a person? A few months of "hey, I can do this!" THEN....you start thinking about the upcoming summer...then you find out someone close to you has terminal cancer and there is nothing that can be done. Your life flips the hell around and you start to spin out of control. I became that mom that just screams at her kids for everything. I avoided my friends....by business started to suffer....my team I hold "together" starts to drift apart. I feel like a failure.

Depression...dark depression isn't something you can just pick up a phone and call your doctor and say, "hey, I'm screwed up because I was stupid and stopped taking my meds because I was 'feeling fine'." Dark depression is the inability to do MORE than pick up the phone and ask for help....you stop doing basic things. Washing your face, brushing your teeth, brushing your hair and you shower less. I stopped cooking because, as most moms, you're tired of half your kids not eating what you made, so you just stop caring. You grocery shop less, because what is the point. And don't forget you start to eat junk.

Through all of this.....mostly from May until now, I've been treading water...and sinking a few times. I've screamed at my kids, I'm not proud of it. But, I also know I am NOT the only mom who has "THOSE" days....I may get them just about everyday. But I am human. I am lonely. I am ashamed. WHY? WHY are we made to feel this way. Because ASKING for help somehow makes you feel like a dam failure....and that is STUPID.

I stopped enjoying my children. Their summer was boring. They didn't do much...the thought of leaving the house with all three of them seemed like pure torture. The bickering....the chasing Grady....I had NO energy, or drive...to do a darn thing. Luckily they were able to go to camp a few times. You know I NEVER once took them to the beach :(

Grady and Cullen's birthday, came and went. It's been 3 YEARS since I held him. It SUCKS. It still hurts. Does it mean I love my other children less, NO. What do I think of now? Grady's best friend is gone. They would have been SO crazy and SO funny. Because Grady really is both of them. I believe the last few weeks of my pregnancy Cullen may have taken all of Grady's blood, but he replaced it with LOVE, LAUGHTER and a bit of comedy. I didn't sing Happy Birthday to Cullen this time. :( I don't want Grady to feel as if he's not enough....because boy IS HE! He's AMAZING. And with my depression and sadness it's been so so difficult to appreciate him.

I haven't appreciated much. My girls have suffered greatly. Jimmy has suffered, he has had to pick up all the slack I simply can't handle (which has been A LOT!) I don't say Thank You enough. It's always been a very hard thing for me to say. WHY? Again, in my eyes it's because I wasn't good enough. It's hard living this way when you are SO darn tough on yourself.

I made the call just a few weeks ago to my psychiatrist. I was so afraid he would yell at me for not seeing him for A YEAR! But he didn't. He was awesome. He promised me I would get better and FEEL better. He's figured out why so many medications haven't worked...last year he was ready to try ECT, which scared the crap out of me, he actually said he was at a loss as to why medications wouldn't work on me. This time, we are trying mood stabilizers....for Bipolar. It makes sense to me. I may have not had the extremes you hear about....but I've ALWAYS thought I was. We are ramping me up on my dosage along with my prozac. We will see. I haven't had the outbursts like I did, but it's just been a few weeks.

Today I took Georgia to see a new therapist. It was a VERY emotional day. We talked about how sick she was as a baby, how her sensory issues have ALWAYS played a role in who she is. We spoke about Cullen, the loss of her PopPop last year...my 'disappearances' when the boys were born, when Grady was 6 weeks old and when I was placed into the hospital 2 years ago for a week. It was exhausting. Feeling like you've caused so many of your child's issues, sucks.

My Tea business is amazing. However, with life going the way it's going, I'm trying my best to stay on top of my team. When I started this 2 years ago after my hospital stay, it was to have something FOR ME....to get me out and talking to adults. It's blossomed into having a team of over 60 all over the US! The last thing I want to do is disappoint these amazing people that look up to me. Never did I think this would happen.

In October I will take a journey no child wants to take. I will fly across country to see my dad. My dad's health has never been the best, but his body was always able to fight and come through it. This time, my dad has metastatic bone cancer. I'm "saying it outloud" now....because I simply can't hold my sadness and heartache inside much longer. My relationship with my dad has not always been the easiest. But he's ALWAYS loved me and bragged about me and my accomplishments. He's ALWAYS been there when I needed advise about my car or our new house or precious rental issues. I don't want to lose him. He's been the BEST he could be, because really, that is all we have. The best we have to give, is different each day. It depends on life. It depends on how you feel physically. It depends on if your heart is hurting. Once again, I realize from the death of Cullen....you NEVER should judge a person on the way they treat you just from one day....you don't know if their dog died, or they were let go from a job, they lost a loved one, or was just diagnosed with a terminal illness. You also, CAN'T compare depression. What makes one person depressed may be totally different than yourself. All you can do, all you SHOULD do, is say that you are sorry. There is no "what if" or "at least."

I've always been fairly open about my depression. Why be quiet? There are SO many people that need help in the world that are too ashamed or feel too alone. You never know who you might help. SO I encourage you, TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS....and don't wait to get help like me.....

some days

Today is a crappy day.
I started looking through Cullen's box for the time that he was born because I don't remember. It makes me sad that I don't know this, I don't remember the girls' times, but not remembering Cullen's makes me feel so guilty. I sat on the bed this morning and just sobbed. I've become pretty good at avoiding things that will make me fall apart. Grady came in and started to look at the pictures and actually pointed at them and said "me and Cullen" and I cried even more. He asked where he was, asked if he was sick, asked if he was better, then asked if he was coming back. I thought it was difficult when Georgia asked these questions, but this....this hurt SO MUCH. I've always thought about how Grady has lost his best friend, but lately as he's been home playing alone or at preschool I just simply can't stop thinking about it, it makes me so very sad.

Time just is going by

Holy cow, it's been 7 months since I've written.  SO much has happened.

September 2013 came and went. I reflected A LOT about Sept. 2012 and how depressed and low I was. I thought A LOT about being in the hospital and also how far I had come.

October, my mom visited and the kids had a blast spending time with their grandma.

November we bought a house!

It's still crazy to me. We moved in the last week of November and sometimes I'm still in shock we bit the bullet and BOUGHT. After our last visit home (California) this summer, I realized that Salisbury, MD was home. This is where my major support is. This is where my children have been born and now go to school....This is where Cullen was born and died. How could I leave it.

December was filled with unpacking and trying to get out life officially settled. Settled into a place that we knew we were staying. It's crazy, since the boys were born in June 2011, we have lived in 4 houses! Grady, is 2 1/2 and has moved 3 times!! It's amazing what tragedy makes you do...

January 2014 started off on a very sad note, Jimmy's dad died New Years Eve. We had actually just come home from visiting his parents from Christmas and not even 48 hours later his dad was gone. You would think after all I have been through I would be good at consoling my husband, but I really don't think I did a good job. I instantly go into survival mode and do what needs to get done. (sigh).

February, honestly came and went and now it's March! March is the kickoff for March for Babies. This is our third year....THIRD.

I've been putting off updating our page for Cullen on the March of Dimes website.  (but I FINALLY did it today. What a RUSH of emotion. It's raw and it is SO very painful.)

 http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/CullenVeals

Once again, I tried to ignore it. But like ANY loss parent, you know it's real. You know it's real every day of your life. I stare into the exact face I should be seeing two of every day. A face that is SO beautiful and so happy and so innocent.

The lost, empty place inside your heart ALWAYS reminds you of what you do not have. People like to point out that "you have so much" "look what you DO have" "be grateful for the children you have now." People like to "soften" what has happened because they are uncomfortable with it. Death is REAL and is SUCKS. Parents shouldn't have to be gentle with what they say about their loss because of how it might make YOU feel.  A person is allowed to be depressed, it is a natural normal part of life.

My children do not make up for one another, they do not take the place of one another....they are each an individual. 

I'm ALLOWED to be upset. I'm ALLOWED to be bitter or pissed off at the world. YES, I am ALLOWED to be okay one minute and NOT the next and NO there usually isn't 'something' that has provoked my tears....my baby boy died. And no, I'm not going to pray about it. If you would like to pray for me, go for it. 

I've been SO busy with my AMAZING JOB as a Steeped Tea consultant to really slow down and 'REALLY' think about Cullen...it's my medicine. It's my outlet. I am SO grateful for having Steeped Tea in my life. I have a TEAm of 16 amazing, awesome women that I hope to become closer with, encourage and learn from. I have amazing mentors and best of all, I have AMAZING lifetime friends. I joined Steeped Tea one year ago this month. This simple cup of tea....has SAVED ME. I have purpose. Not to say being a wife and a mommy didn't give me purpose before...but I now am doing something I LOVE and I'm bringing in some money to my family. There really is something great about adding to your family's income.  I have ONLY ever wanted to help others, make a difference in their lives. My sweet Cullen has given this to me. Because of him I have a special friend who told me about Steeped Tea and now here I am. 

The conflicting emotions today alone has obviously driven me to write. It's all over the place; happy, mad and happy again. That is my daily life. But I am doing it. The next month and a half will be a major emotionally roller coaster and it's okay. It's life and it's mine. 

What is so different?

The boys' birthday came and went.

It was  "easier" this year; only because we didn't have a party. 

We were in California and "celebrated" with family and went to Disneyland. 

All I can say is that I was and still am in denial.  

I've been floating along and just going on each day, like I'm totally fine.

I'm involved in my amazing and awesome business that really helps me keep motivated...but...

There is always a but. 

For the past 2 months I have been trying to figure out WHY I am in such a stinking funk. 

Today I found out Georgia's doctor, well, the most genuine AWESOME Nurse practitioner, is leaving the office. 

It was like a HUGE wave of dark disappointment came over me. 

I mean, instant crying and feeling lost. 

WHY?!?! 

I sat there

in my bed

crying

trying for the life of me to figure out what was going on

Then, a lightbulb went off.     I've felt this way before...

It was June this year.

My friend told me she was leaving The March of Dimes. 

I mean, it wasn't like she was leaving town; She was just moving on to a new job. 

Abandonment.  

Merriam Webster dictionary states that Abandon can mean 

": to withdraw protection, support, or help from"

I also felt the SAME thing July 4th 2011, Grady's "graduation" from the NICU. The nurses were so wonderful and I was leaving them and they were moving on with their lives.

Was I really Abandoned? 

I sure feel that way emotionally. 

I KNOW I wasn't. 

These people, these amazing people in my life, have influenced me and really,

graced me with their presence, knowledge, love and understanding.  

These people were here for me in my. DARKEST. DAYS.

There are SO many of these people in my life. 

Why do I feel so hurt when they go on to do amazing things in their lives. 

I think I know the answer. 

I'm stuck. Grief never goes away. 

I can't look at Grady without thinking of Cullen. Each smile I have is instantly taken away because all I think about is his best friend, his sweet innocent brother that died such a horrible death.  

I find myself in a darker place. 

Not the super scary dark place I was last year at this time.

But, somewhere I need to find my way out of. 

This sucks. 

Grief sucks.

things are the same...but life is very different

In one week it will be my boys 2ed birthday. I should be happy, but instead I'm dreading it.  Will I ever be happy to celebrate Grady's birthday while always remembering that same day Cullen was born he also died?   I've not planned anything for Grady. I haven't even thought about having a cake.

We are flying home to California in just a few days...I should be excited, but again, I'm dreading it.  It's been over 4 years since I've been home.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would hate it.  Two years ago I figured that the next time we went home we would be a big family of 6 taking up an entire row of an airplane. One boy at each window in their carseats, one parent next to them and one sweet big sister in the aisle. Now, we will share our row with a single stranger...in the seat Cullen should be in.  Cullen's seat in the van remains empty...the void  represents the hole in my heart that will never heal.

The past several weeks the numbness has intensified. The crying has increased.  I've began to alienate myself again.  I expect all of this, I accept it.  I don't believe this will ever change.  The pain will never go away.  There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of Cullen. The intense physical pain that comes over me at times is more than overwhelming...it's as if evil has taken over and beats me over and over again.  My heart feels like it's being crushed.  I feel like the world is spinning all around me and I simple can't for the life of me see straight.

Because of Cullen, I wouldn't be where I am today. There is a lot of "bad," but he has given me this gift that I would have never received if it weren't for his death.  I now know hundreds of new people. I have been able to help MANY because of my journey. I've started my own business. I am forcing myself out of this thick shell that has engulfed my heart, my mind and my soul.  For one of the first times in my life, I am starting (at times) to feel empowered.  Sometimes, I think it's silly. This business, this amazing Tea that I am selling has given such an amazing gift to me and my family already.  It's been 2 months that I've been working as an independent sales consultant for Steeped Tea. I've been to Canada, I'm one of the founding USA Consultants for this amazing, beautiful company.  I'm surrounded by positivity.  I'm surrounded by hope.  For the first time in over 2 years, I am doing something for me and I don't feel guilty.  I feel like I'm contributing to my family in a positive way just by having MY business, my own time...I'm giving my family ME.

Life as a grieving mother has a lot of twists, turns, valleys and mountains to chase.  A grieving mother is that...ALWAYS grieving...She may "seem" okay, she may seem "fine" or even "normal," She is not.  She will never be. Life goes on. Life doesn't pause. This journey is never ending.  I'm thankful for those that I have met because of Cullen.  He's given me a larger heart a more open mind. It amazes me how my son that did not speak and never moved once he was born has impacted me. He's impacted SO MANY PEOPLE. He truly is my guardian angel changing my life each and every day.