To carry.

Once again, it’s midnight and I’m feeling the need to write.

I have SO much on my mind, so much I’ve been carrying around.

I just came back from the most AMAZING Steeped Tea Leader Retreat ever, I learned so much and can’t wait to implement the strategies for my awesome team. I’ve been with Steeped Tea for 2 years, it’s been the craziest, coolest most unbelievable experience ever. Never did I think I could do what I am doing. I’m still learning, and I, in no such way feel or know I’ve got it all together, but it’s such a challenge for myself, one I don’t take lightly and one I am SO hard on myself for.  Never did I see myself as a Leader...never mind a Senior Director in such an AWESOME UPCOMING company.  That is heavy….that I am pushing myself to such uncomfortable places….Coming out of my comfort zone is very scary. I still struggle with the small things….picking up that darn phone and asking people how they are doing and enjoying their tea….how hard is that? Well, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Steeped Tea and my wonderful team have given me the opportunity to FINALLY take care of ME. As a mom, you don’t ever take care of you….well, I decided that since finding Steeped Tea was a gift from Cullen, I was going to honor him and start doing this.  I bought myself 18 personal training sessions with the best trainer in town….he’s also been said to be in the top 100 in the country. It is SO weird doing something for me...I’ve also bought Stella 18 sessions to help with her overall strength and conditioning for running...although she thinks it’s all fun and games and soon Jimmy will start going too.

As usual, I’m going to jump around because that is how my brain works.

Do you ever have SO much going on in one weekend you want to burst at the seams….well, that is THIS weekend, really Saturday. Stella has a race at 9, I am holding a tea tasting at 11 (hoping people show up), Georgia has a birthday party at noon, Grady a party at 4 and Jimmy works from  4 to midnight. Just thinking about this makes me panic.

It’s nearing the end of the month, my most stressful time. I’m watching how my team is doing, helping them with orders and trying to come up with my minimum at the same time.  I was really hoping this month and last month I would be booked with parties since I am donating my commission to the March of Dimes in memory of Cullen, BUT I wasn’t booked and  I’m struggling.

I’ve been having some health issues that I’ve had for years come to a point where they are starting to interfere with my days. When I was pregnant with Stella the doctors found a tiny hemangioma on my liver, in time it has grown and now larger than a golf ball and causing pain, irritation and of course, a LOT of worry.  I’m going back to see my surgeon, who needed to “consult a few other people” before figuring out what I needed, this coming week. I know, after all my research (because that is what I do, did in college and LOVE,) there isn't anything really they can do. The hemangioma is in the posterior part of my liver, near my right kidney, inferior vena cava and spine. I have pain when I inhale, a fullness when I drink and eat, am uncomfortable when I lay on my stomach,  and feel a burning inside me. Oh and I can’t seem to get enough sleep.

The March of Dimes walk is Sunday….I’m so embarrassed to say I’ve not even raised $100 (minus my commission.)  Normally we raise at least $1000. I don’t even know if I have the strength to take part in it.

I’ve been missing Cullen A LOT. I see Grady play with his friends at school and all I think of is his best friend and twin should be with him. They both should be driving me crazy, cuddling with me, playing super heroes and so so much more.  That emptiness, is ALWAYS there. The feeling of breaking down: ALWAYS there. I even started to cry while walking on the treadmill today from the overwhelming life I’m leading and the pain I carry.

My girls…..oh they too worry me. Stella doesn't talk about how she feels until she just breaks down and even then I can’t figure out what the problem is (she’s just like me.) Georgia….oh my sweet Georgia….We still struggle with her anxiety, sensory issues and so much more. Being a parent can really SUCK sometimes when you can’t FIX things and the their pain and struggles are so heavy to carry as well.

I’m so unorganized, in my brain with my kids, with my house….Where do you start when you are holding the emotions and chaos in your brain. Maybe writing all this will help some.

Being overwhelmed is not fun. I’m getting to the place where I’m fading to black, but fighting to stay in the clear. I have a painting I’m looking at, one I made  a year and a half after the boys were born….after coming home from my stay in the hospital. It is mostly black and grey but fades to white...not a clear perfect while, but still, white. I feel the chaos I’m spinning in is the grey pulling me back. I know I have so much to be thankful for, but when the darkness takes over, there isn’t much you can do. Yes, my job is amazing, yes my children are wonderful and healthy and I couldn’t have a better more loving husband. But I think people forget that you can be grateful and sad and dark all at the same time.

When they say “The struggle is REAL”...it really is for me. Each day can be a battle. It’s not everyday, but it’s there, underneath my hectic life. The weight I carry….

Grady. PopPop, Papa, Grandpa, Papa, Cullen

I was laying in bed with Grady tonight as he was  “falling asleep,” and by that I mean, him asking me question after question...Can I hold your hand, Why do you put your leg out of the covers, Are you happy?  Can I go to new Grandma’s house for breakfast? I told him no, but maybe for snack tomorrow. He happily said YAY! “Are my toys at Grandma’s house? Why? Where is new Grandma’s old house?” I often get confused between which Grandma he’s talking about. Jimmy’s mom moved here about 5 months ago. He’s confused. My mom visits a few times a year.

Then I started to think about when I was small, around Stella’s age, 10. I had my Grandma and Grandpa and Nana and Papa in England. Grady is 3.5 he really won’t remember PopPop, my father in law, he died last year when he was 2.5. He still does mention he misses him. And now, there is my dad; 2 months and 2 days ago my dad died. The last time I blogged was the anniversary of Al’s death and right before my final trip to be with my dad.

Grady talks about Papa, says he misses him. I’ve never actually said the words to him that he died. It breaks my heart he will eventually forget, because he is so young.

My grandpa was always going places. He always went to 10 stores with coupons for the best deals. He drove slow and always arrived super early. I remember in elementary school looking out into the parking lot and seeing him waiting….I still would have 30 minutes of school left. He was always around to see my sister and me swim through high school, saw me go off to college. He died when I was a Junior in College. The laugh my grandpa  (my moms dad) had was infectious. He was the perfect grandfather. My sister and I were his everything….until the BOYS, Michael and Andrew, my  “little”  cousins came along.….Grandpa got the BIGGEST kick out them and all their baseball this and that.  Then, came Stacey and baby Amy….Mind you, these little ones are now in their later teens and later 20’s! Grandpa was so proud of all of us. He watched swim meets, baseball games and watched his youngest granddaughters grow up while living only 25 yards away.

My children will not have those memories.

I don’t remember much of my Papa, my dad’s dad.  My Papa, died when I was a junior in high school. He was in England, and I never saw much of him. But what I do remember, like in the pictures of him when he was younger (I was very small) was HIS smile...My DAD had his smile. A beautiful smile. My children may not remember such a smile. The last time my dad was here he was thin, walked with a cane had just been diagnosed with metastatic bone cancer and was on the verge of a broken hip which we didn’t know. I am SO thankful for those 14 days my children got to spend with their Papa.

I wish I talked to him more the last 2 weeks of his life. It all happened so fast, the days become intertwined. I spoke to him Christmas afternoon. He only spent about 10 minutes on the phone with me because talking made him so tired. I believe it was the next day he had fluid extracted (ascites) from his growing abdomen. At some point, maybe Saturday he fell and was taken to the hospital because he was so weak.   I think Sunday or Monday they did a liver biopsy because of his crazy levels. They also took MORE fluid out from him. I spoke to him Tuesday because he wanted me on the phone when the oncologist came in. He could barely speak, he had such difficulty.  The doctor came in and told us his fate. The skin cancer was in his liver. There was nothing they could do. It was time for hospice. I spoke to him one more time, maybe on Wednesday for a few minutes. Erin and my mom flew in January 1st, Erin said he mumbled a few things, HOME, was one of them. I flew into Washington and was brought to him at 9:30 at night. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING can prepare you for what cancer does to a person’s body. He looked like he was 100 years old. He couldn't speak or open his eyes or move much. The cancer was taking him.

Hospice was set up at his home.

I road in the transport vehicle at 1:30 in the afternoon on January 3rd; I told him we were going home.

I told him that when He left, he had to take care of my Cullen and to tell him his mommy loves him and misses him. I had been debating when to ask him or tell him what I needed.  I didn't know the right time to say it….But I did it. He never mentioned Cullen to me the whole time Grady has been alive. But when I said it, I swear he mumbled “Cullen.”

1:45 my dad was wheeled into his home and his EYES, his EYES OPENED….He knew. He fought so hard to get HOME.

We settled him in the bed so he could see his beautiful landscaping and so he could hear his waterfall. He mumbled ‘water,’ so I gave him a few drops. I asked him to blink a few minutes later and he didn’t. I sat down, Erin, my mom and the Hospice coordinator came over, rubbed his chest told him to breathe…. he did, twice….and was gone, 2:20pm.

My dad was STRONG. He lived with leukemia for over 18 years, fought pulmonary fibrosis caused by a chemotherapy drug, fought squamous cell carcinoma for YEARS. Who knows how long it had been in his bones...then his liver. He fought. He was STUBBORN...He died, the way he wanted. In his HOME with those that loved him. My dad was a fighter, like my son...

December 31 2014....Today is the one year anniversary of my father in law's death.

Tomorrow, I will start my journey once again to Washington State. My dad's cancer has once again metastasized into his liver. We've been so lucky to have him live this long, 7 months since the first bone metastasis. There is nothing else they can do. His squamous cell carcinoma has spread from all over his skin, to his bones and now his liver, this has been something the medical field has been astounded by. Even if they had the time to identify the molecular growth factors of the cancer cells then find out which medication could help him, it's highly unlikely they would ever find one.  It's really time to say goodbye...this sucks.  I'll be flying Friday morning, meeting my sister and my mom, we will figure the best hospice care for my dear dad to make him the most comfortable. I can only stay one week...I wish I could stay until the end.

once again, it's been WAY too long.

Confession time.
Since January this year I have been on ZERO medication for my depression. What does that give a person? A few months of "hey, I can do this!" THEN....you start thinking about the upcoming summer...then you find out someone close to you has terminal cancer and there is nothing that can be done. Your life flips the hell around and you start to spin out of control. I became that mom that just screams at her kids for everything. I avoided my friends....by business started to suffer....my team I hold "together" starts to drift apart. I feel like a failure.

Depression...dark depression isn't something you can just pick up a phone and call your doctor and say, "hey, I'm screwed up because I was stupid and stopped taking my meds because I was 'feeling fine'." Dark depression is the inability to do MORE than pick up the phone and ask for help....you stop doing basic things. Washing your face, brushing your teeth, brushing your hair and you shower less. I stopped cooking because, as most moms, you're tired of half your kids not eating what you made, so you just stop caring. You grocery shop less, because what is the point. And don't forget you start to eat junk.

Through all of this.....mostly from May until now, I've been treading water...and sinking a few times. I've screamed at my kids, I'm not proud of it. But, I also know I am NOT the only mom who has "THOSE" days....I may get them just about everyday. But I am human. I am lonely. I am ashamed. WHY? WHY are we made to feel this way. Because ASKING for help somehow makes you feel like a dam failure....and that is STUPID.

I stopped enjoying my children. Their summer was boring. They didn't do much...the thought of leaving the house with all three of them seemed like pure torture. The bickering....the chasing Grady....I had NO energy, or drive...to do a darn thing. Luckily they were able to go to camp a few times. You know I NEVER once took them to the beach :(

Grady and Cullen's birthday, came and went. It's been 3 YEARS since I held him. It SUCKS. It still hurts. Does it mean I love my other children less, NO. What do I think of now? Grady's best friend is gone. They would have been SO crazy and SO funny. Because Grady really is both of them. I believe the last few weeks of my pregnancy Cullen may have taken all of Grady's blood, but he replaced it with LOVE, LAUGHTER and a bit of comedy. I didn't sing Happy Birthday to Cullen this time. :( I don't want Grady to feel as if he's not enough....because boy IS HE! He's AMAZING. And with my depression and sadness it's been so so difficult to appreciate him.

I haven't appreciated much. My girls have suffered greatly. Jimmy has suffered, he has had to pick up all the slack I simply can't handle (which has been A LOT!) I don't say Thank You enough. It's always been a very hard thing for me to say. WHY? Again, in my eyes it's because I wasn't good enough. It's hard living this way when you are SO darn tough on yourself.

I made the call just a few weeks ago to my psychiatrist. I was so afraid he would yell at me for not seeing him for A YEAR! But he didn't. He was awesome. He promised me I would get better and FEEL better. He's figured out why so many medications haven't worked...last year he was ready to try ECT, which scared the crap out of me, he actually said he was at a loss as to why medications wouldn't work on me. This time, we are trying mood stabilizers....for Bipolar. It makes sense to me. I may have not had the extremes you hear about....but I've ALWAYS thought I was. We are ramping me up on my dosage along with my prozac. We will see. I haven't had the outbursts like I did, but it's just been a few weeks.

Today I took Georgia to see a new therapist. It was a VERY emotional day. We talked about how sick she was as a baby, how her sensory issues have ALWAYS played a role in who she is. We spoke about Cullen, the loss of her PopPop last year...my 'disappearances' when the boys were born, when Grady was 6 weeks old and when I was placed into the hospital 2 years ago for a week. It was exhausting. Feeling like you've caused so many of your child's issues, sucks.

My Tea business is amazing. However, with life going the way it's going, I'm trying my best to stay on top of my team. When I started this 2 years ago after my hospital stay, it was to have something FOR ME....to get me out and talking to adults. It's blossomed into having a team of over 60 all over the US! The last thing I want to do is disappoint these amazing people that look up to me. Never did I think this would happen.

In October I will take a journey no child wants to take. I will fly across country to see my dad. My dad's health has never been the best, but his body was always able to fight and come through it. This time, my dad has metastatic bone cancer. I'm "saying it outloud" now....because I simply can't hold my sadness and heartache inside much longer. My relationship with my dad has not always been the easiest. But he's ALWAYS loved me and bragged about me and my accomplishments. He's ALWAYS been there when I needed advise about my car or our new house or precious rental issues. I don't want to lose him. He's been the BEST he could be, because really, that is all we have. The best we have to give, is different each day. It depends on life. It depends on how you feel physically. It depends on if your heart is hurting. Once again, I realize from the death of Cullen....you NEVER should judge a person on the way they treat you just from one day....you don't know if their dog died, or they were let go from a job, they lost a loved one, or was just diagnosed with a terminal illness. You also, CAN'T compare depression. What makes one person depressed may be totally different than yourself. All you can do, all you SHOULD do, is say that you are sorry. There is no "what if" or "at least."

I've always been fairly open about my depression. Why be quiet? There are SO many people that need help in the world that are too ashamed or feel too alone. You never know who you might help. SO I encourage you, TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS....and don't wait to get help like me.....

some days

Today is a crappy day.
I started looking through Cullen's box for the time that he was born because I don't remember. It makes me sad that I don't know this, I don't remember the girls' times, but not remembering Cullen's makes me feel so guilty. I sat on the bed this morning and just sobbed. I've become pretty good at avoiding things that will make me fall apart. Grady came in and started to look at the pictures and actually pointed at them and said "me and Cullen" and I cried even more. He asked where he was, asked if he was sick, asked if he was better, then asked if he was coming back. I thought it was difficult when Georgia asked these questions, but this....this hurt SO MUCH. I've always thought about how Grady has lost his best friend, but lately as he's been home playing alone or at preschool I just simply can't stop thinking about it, it makes me so very sad.