11 months 5 days, it's a long time to be lonely....except physically I am not. My heart aches so much.
I know it hurts more now because it's so close to their birthday. I'm trying to keep myself busy by throwing a huge party for Grady...maybe it will lessen the pain (but it really won't)
There is no time to grieve, I'm never alone. I cry at night mostly. At times I can't even breathe. My eyes are so puffy I can barely see. My face is numb. My body is here with a broken heart and mind gone.
There are few who understand, a few who truly GET IT. I carried him for 35 weeks. I wish I had appreciated all his crazy movements. I wish I took pictures of my belly. I wish I loved him more.
I'm told the pain lessens. It won't feel as raw, 'give it time' Whatever! I want the pain to stop NOW. I want to wake up happy. I want to forget. At times I wish I could forget.....yes, at times I wonder if it would be best if I could forget my sweet beautiful baby, horrible of me isn't it. I would rather have my arm cut of and feel the physical pain than to feel like this EVERYDAY!
I'm so tired. Putting up the front.....daily. At times I let my guard down. You simply can't hold it in ALL the time. I believe my heart ache and mental torture I have been through is making a physical toll on my body. I'm falling apart. Parts of me want to feel better, but then I think 'who cares'. I feel as if I am a total hypocrite. I don't care. But know I have to a little. I don't care about anything. But I know I HAVE to care....I love my husband and my children. I have so many internal struggles with myself. It's exhausting.
Besides my son being taken from me. There are SO many joys and events that have been ruined. I used to get so excited and envious of my friends who were going to have a babies. The sound of your baby crying for the first time, the first touch, kiss......it's been TAKEN FROM ME. It's horrible. It's excruciating. I've been robbed. The little things.....all of Grady's 'firsts'....Cullen should be here too! Doing everything right with him!
I know people are able to live with the death of a baby, twins, triplets. But I just don't know how I will watch Grady grow up and not feel the pain....the horrible pain of missing his brother.
I HATE twin to twin transfusion syndrome. I HATE being the statistic. I HATE that my boys didn't get a chance for surgery in utero.
Honey, you're right, I don't GET IT, but I'm here for you. We love you, Jimmy and the kids very much. Let me know what I can do or even can't do...even if its take the kids so you CAN fall apart...sometimes thats the best thing you can do so you can put the pieces back together again.
ReplyDeleteI would never begin to say I get it. I can only be here for you and Jimmy and the kids.. and anytime you need I am here with whatever I can offer.. even if it is to hold a punchingbag.
ReplyDeleteAllison- I know where you are at. It's so lonely and painful there. That first birthday marks the last of most of the first anniversaries without our babies. It is hard but it is a turning point too. When the pain and anger and exhaustion get too much, the weight really does break us down physically. Remember that "you" are the thoughts in your head. What you tell yourself becomes your truth. When you are ready (and it may not be yet- a year is not such a long time ) to tell yourself that you want to release some of the weight, you will find ways to let the joy in. You will find ways to laugh and really mean it. You will find joy in honoring and remembering Cullen and how your love for him improved your life. When you are ready. Be gentle with yourself. You're growing and that is a very painful process and I know it's hard to see any light in this tunnel. But it's there. I promise. Just know it's there. Sending you peaceful thoughts. ---Tova
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