55 weeks and 2 days old

In 1 week Grady will be 13 months old. It's been 55 weeks and 1 day since I held Cullen in my arms.  In one week and 2 days it will have been one year from my original due date, July 26.  The boys were to be born by c-section on July 13 2011....if they had, they would have both been gone.

Thoughts all run in my head. My 1 miracle lays downstairs peacefully in his crib. There is no doubt in my mind that he is in fact a miracle.  I do not take him for granted nor do I try to compare him to what is missing. They, MY TWINS, are in fact 2 separate people, loves...a forever broken lost pair.

I live. Barely. My life now I will say, is even more difficult, more painful, more lonely than 1 year ago. The fog that loomed over me, has lifted. I see now, what I did not want to see before. Reality. The pain that I thought I felt, is so much more now. Because of my inability to mourn I have isolated myself.

There has been no growth for me this past year. Grady has grown, physically and mentally...I have regressed. I know less now than before. I hurt more now. They say the 'rawness' of it lessens. It's now a scar. A painful scar. My heart, broken. My mind gone.

Life is going on around me. Jimmy, picking up all the pieces I am unable to keep glued together.  I am lost. I am stuck. My girls, my poor girls have lost their mother. I am inpatient. I am harsh. I am not loving enough. I am sorry.  I try to be the mommy they used to have. But the SCAR, the scar prevents me from doing and being so much more.  I'm physically here, but it's not enough.

Depression is a very interesting thing. Those who think you can just 'snap out of it' or 'get over it' have never traveled to the deep dark depths of it. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I run. I run and try to reach it. Only, it just gets further and further away. It's a joke. A mean powerful prank that is being pulled on me. To feel paranoid because as I try to run for the light I feel others laughing, talking about me. Paranoia haunts me. To be this low. To feel this lost and crazy. Not knowing if I even tell the truth to myself. It's scary.  To cry uncontrollably then to be able to stop, wipe my eyes and go on.....Who am I kidding? Myself. To feel so dark in this place that to me, must be hell. It's physically, mentally and emotionally painful. Thoughts race. Pictures are burned into my mind. Wanting to forget. But at the same time I can't. Because I can't forget anything about him. There is SO LITTLE to remember. I have no happy memories. He and I never laughed together. We didn't play. We didn't dance. I just wish I could have seen him MOVE. I have no happy memories to hold onto. What I have, what I hear at night as I try to fall asleep....are his little painful breaths he last took while blood came out of his mouth. To feel like I will never be okay is an understatement.

51 weeks

Sigh
I'm falling apart. I have one week until their birthday and Grady's party. I feel like a train wreck. I have no motivation, except to keep myself busy planning and writing list after list trying to organize myself for next Sunday. I think I have 4 notebooks, an app on my phone & an iPad note with all the same stuff on them except I don't know what I'm doing. I haven't figured out how I'm getting the tables and chairs here, when I'm "cooking", what I'm cooking, or even how I'm planning on setting up and decorating, oh and blowing up 50-75 balloons!?

I'm thinking my meds are not working. In fact, I know it. How can my mind go a thousand miles a minute yet I feel like it's blank?
Im here in body but NOT IN MIND. My emotions are all over the freakin place.

Back in December I told myself I wasn't going to blame myself for Cullen's death. It wasn't my fault, I didn't DO anything to cause it all to happen...BUT I know now why I'm unable to mourn, the blame is still there. I've NOT forgiven myself. I know I didn't do it. But I'm unknowingly blaming me because in my heart I know my BODY FAILED ME so in turn I feel I did fail. I didn't do what I, as a woman, as a mother should have done: Give birth to TWO HEALTHY BABIES! How does one get over this?!?!

11 months 5 days......

11 months 5 days, it's a long time to be lonely....except physically I am not. My heart aches so much.
I know it hurts more now because it's so close to their birthday. I'm trying to keep myself busy by throwing a huge party for Grady...maybe it will lessen the pain (but it really won't)
There is no time to grieve, I'm never alone. I cry at night mostly. At times I can't even breathe. My eyes are so puffy I can barely see. My face is numb. My body is here with a broken heart and mind gone.
There are few who understand, a few who truly GET IT. I carried him for 35 weeks. I wish I had appreciated all his crazy movements. I wish I took pictures of my belly. I wish I loved him more.
I'm told the pain lessens. It won't feel as raw,  'give it time' Whatever! I want the pain to stop NOW. I want to wake up happy. I want to forget. At times I wish I could forget.....yes, at times I wonder if it would be best if I could forget my sweet beautiful baby, horrible of me isn't it. I would rather have my arm cut of and feel the physical pain than to feel like this EVERYDAY!
I'm so tired. Putting up the front.....daily. At times I let my guard down. You simply can't hold it in ALL the time. I believe my heart ache and mental torture I have been through is making a physical toll on my body. I'm falling apart. Parts of me want to feel better, but then I think 'who cares'. I feel as if I am a total hypocrite. I don't care. But know I have to a little. I don't care about anything. But I know I HAVE to care....I love my husband and my children.  I have so many internal struggles with myself. It's exhausting.
Besides my son being taken from me. There are SO many joys and events that have been ruined. I used to get so excited and envious of my friends who were going to have a babies. The sound of your baby crying for the first time, the first touch, kiss......it's been TAKEN FROM ME.  It's horrible. It's excruciating. I've been robbed. The little things.....all of Grady's 'firsts'....Cullen should be here too! Doing everything right with him!

I know people are able to live with the death of a baby, twins, triplets. But I just don't know how I will watch Grady grow up and not feel the pain....the horrible pain of missing his brother.

I HATE twin to twin transfusion syndrome. I HATE being the statistic. I HATE that my boys didn't get a chance for surgery in utero. 

the truth

It's been a REALLY a rough  2 weeks.  I have found that when I get more depressed, most things get pushed aside.  Laundry. Bills. Cleaning. Showering.  I know, gross.  I hate this. And worst of all, when people who have never dealt with depression tell you to just 'get out, do something' or just "be positive."  When you feel this way....you can't just DO anything.  I'm lucky to get out of bed each day.  I've eaten myself sick. I've not made myself throw up, but just SO SICK to my stomach.

I realize that my last post I decided not to blame myself for what happened to Cullen.  But, I think that most people don't know the truth......I didn't want them.  I didn't WANT anymore children. I was done.  SO, my entire pregnancy I was angry at the boys...it's the way I do things.  I Was mad at them, even though I was the one who messed up.  I'm doing it now with Stella.  Even though she's been more defiant and mean....I told her she couldn't have a birthday party...when in reality it's because I'm depressed and can't take care of our finances the way I used to.  I can't afford to have a party for her.  It's MY fault, and once again, I do what I always have done....blame myself, HATE myself.  How am I a good mother.  I didn't want my boys and I was punished. Yes, I'm having a REALLY bad day....on better days, I KNOW I couldn't possibly "be punished" because of my attitude...But the inner voice inside me says...KARMA!

I hold my emotions in until I burst....always have done it. Now, I HAVE to hold them when Georgia's around.  She senses my pain.  She takes my pain onto herself.  <sigh>

The internal struggle....I just don't see it ever getting better.  How can it.  How will the guilt ever just go away????

Goodbye 2011

Grady is 6 months old.  It's been 6 months....six months since I met and said goodbye to Cullen.

Several of my new friends, like myself, have had the worst year ever.  It's amazing how people in general can complain of how horrible life or even a day can be....Most of the time, those people really don't know how horrible it can get.  Most people don't know what it's like to have their world ripped to shreds. Destroyed in a single moment.

The Allison everyone knew, the one that posted on facebook "it's time" on June 24th at 6am.....IS GONE. FOREVER.  The person I was.....is lost.  Never to return.  And as the year is ending tonight, a memory.

I still don't know who I am. I don't know much at all.  I feel at times I have amnesia, and am trying to find myself only to realize I'm having to make a new life....

I'm numb.  Not really sure when the "feeling" will come back, if ever.

I hope 2012 will bring me some peace, some "feeling", some HOPE.  I would love to have faith. Faith in something.  Not really sure if it's God....but maybe just faith in myself.

I need to have that faith in myself for my family....my husband, my beautiful children.  MYSELF.

That is my goal for 2012. My resolution.

I've been afraid to say goodbye to 2011. I feel as if I'm saying goodbye to Cullen. But as my friends remind me, it's not HIM.  It's the PAIN.....goodbye to the anguish I have felt and the blame I have had. The blame I have on myself.  I have felt I caused this.  That I deserved this.  I MUST let it go.....

So 30 minutes from now.....I'm freeing myself from the pain I have caused myself.  I'm letting it go.....because it's NOT my fault.