Thursday, January 12, 2012

the truth

It's been a REALLY a rough  2 weeks.  I have found that when I get more depressed, most things get pushed aside.  Laundry. Bills. Cleaning. Showering.  I know, gross.  I hate this. And worst of all, when people who have never dealt with depression tell you to just 'get out, do something' or just "be positive."  When you feel this can't just DO anything.  I'm lucky to get out of bed each day.  I've eaten myself sick. I've not made myself throw up, but just SO SICK to my stomach.

I realize that my last post I decided not to blame myself for what happened to Cullen.  But, I think that most people don't know the truth......I didn't want them.  I didn't WANT anymore children. I was done.  SO, my entire pregnancy I was angry at the's the way I do things.  I Was mad at them, even though I was the one who messed up.  I'm doing it now with Stella.  Even though she's been more defiant and mean....I told her she couldn't have a birthday party...when in reality it's because I'm depressed and can't take care of our finances the way I used to.  I can't afford to have a party for her.  It's MY fault, and once again, I do what I always have done....blame myself, HATE myself.  How am I a good mother.  I didn't want my boys and I was punished. Yes, I'm having a REALLY bad day....on better days, I KNOW I couldn't possibly "be punished" because of my attitude...But the inner voice inside me says...KARMA!

I hold my emotions in until I burst....always have done it. Now, I HAVE to hold them when Georgia's around.  She senses my pain.  She takes my pain onto herself.  <sigh>

The internal struggle....I just don't see it ever getting better.  How can it.  How will the guilt ever just go away????