Friday, April 22, 2011

what a mom thinks....and feels

As a mom I often wonder if THIS is what I'm supposed to be doing.  Am I doing everything I possibly can to make the lives of my children the best it can be?  I second guess EVERYTHING I do.  I also LOSE it way too easily.  The last thing I want to do is "mess" things up.  Besides being pregnant and exhausted, I was tired and drained BEFORE the existence of Batman and Robin.  The constant questions and repeating a child does, DRAINS YOU.  How many times can a person repeat themselves without getting annoyed?

How do you take time for yourself really, and NOT feel the MOMMY GUILT?  I'm always wanting Jimmy to get some time for himself. After all, he works, out of the home, AT NIGHT!  He deserves it.  YET, when he does go running or something there is STILL that stupid part of me that is angry.  UGH.  I hate it.  WHY do I do this?!?!  He's constantly telling me to go get a pedicure or go get some coffee or just get out. DO I? NO?  WHY? Because of MOMMY GUILT.  Why doesn't anyone warn you about this?  No matter what I do, I think I could be spending this money on XY & Z.....and NOT on me.  Yes, I've been told Oh, you need to take care of yourself before you are able to take care of others.....blah blah blah.  Those people don't know ME! LOL.  I am the QUEEN of guilt.  I've always felt too selfish, that I don't deserve it.  Maybe that explains my high anxiety?!

Speaking of anxiety. Once again, why doesn't anyone ever tell you about how scary it is to have children and "LET GO" at times.  There are so many horrifying stories. Some, like Sarah Foxwell that are just literally, WAY too close to home.  Ever since the disappearance of Sarah and watching the tragedy unfold in our town my anxiety increased. It's never gone away. I check on the girls nightly. I worry constantly.  I feel like I live on edge ALWAYS.  With Jimmy gone at night I can't help but THINK.  Having his past job in law enforcement and his job now....he still gets threats.  I have the angel and devil in my head that argue back and forth about what can possibly happen and what most likely will NEVER HAPPEN.  But as a MOTHER, the *WHAT IF* is very real.

I just go on....with the anxiety, with the THOUGHTS, with the worry.  I tell my girls I love them as much as I can. I feel GUILTY when I lose it and yell. But I ALWAYS HUG THEM and SAY SORRY when I need to.  I try not to rush too much. I try to remember that  this moment I will NEVER get back.  And most of all....I BREATHE...I remember they are innocent, are pure and ALWAYS learning. I'm the one to teach them right and wrong. I just try my best and remember too, I am NOT perfect in anyway AND I too am still learning. I'm learning about me. I learn about my faults, my strengths and my weaknesses.  I try to better myself for myself and my children.  And I guess.....that means taking some time for recharge.  hmmmm, interesting.  :)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Monday and Tuesday

Monday April 18 2011
My silly girls playing with their pom poms Monday night

So I made a GREAT dinner! Tomato cream sauce and pasta from  I'm not a pasta fan AT ALL, but Jimmy loves pasta.  To the recipe I added a half a can of tomato paste plus sauteed garlic shrimp.  WOW!  YUMMY.  Even the girls ate it up and really enjoyed it!  GO ME!

Georgia had a rough nights sleep Sunday night, she whimpered out a lot and cried at 4am she came walking in my room and said, SLEEP WITH MOMMY. I didn't care, I just wanted her to STOP!
She had a fairly good day, ate a TON!!! Raisin bread, strawberries, blueberries, a HUGE banana, chocolate pudding, havarti cheese, quarter of an apple, a slice of liverwurst, a quarter of a red bell pepper with some ranch, AND hummus and pretzel crisps...ALL BEFORE NOON!
She made me "Cookie soup" and we ate it out of her plastic tea set.  She's SO creative!
She napped, FINALLY at 2pm and woke up when I had gone to pick up Stella from the bus stop.  (I will leave her home when she sleeps while Jimmy sleeps....) Well, she woke up, no biggie, but Jimmy didn't hear her....OH BOY. I walked up the walkway to see her give me the dirtiest look and then she started to cry....UGH, what a shot through my heart!

Tuesday April 19 2011

I'm 26 wks.....12 more weeks....unless I actually go into labor OR persuade one of my doctors to take me sooner. DEAR GOD, I don't think I can make it.  The only way I'm NOT in pain is if I lay down all day and not do anything.....UGH, that doesn't happen very often, if ever.
I just wish sleeping was easier. It hurts. Hip pain, back pain, belly pain....oh my gosh.  AND turning OVER.....let's just say there is a LOT of moaning involved and it's an ugly site! LOL

I went to the OB today and gained 3 more lbs!!!  YAY! It's a 4 lb gain total.  Initially I was hoping to gain 40 lbs...I'll be lucky to make it to 20. I know, most people think WHY do you want to gain, WHY are you worried so much.  Well I've been reading this wonderful book by Dr. Barbara Luke, When you're expecting Twins, Triplets and quads.  I've even been in touch through email with her a bit.  The demands of multiples on your body is just AMAZING. There are SO many things that can go wrong SO QUICKLY.  My goal this pregnancy was to stay as hydrated as I possibly can.  Both with Stella and Georgia I had kidney and bladder problems.  At 26 wks with Stella I had kidney stones and had a scare with pre-term labor.  After the week in the hospital I contracted continuously until I was 38 wks. And with Georgia I was about 32 weeks when I went into L&D due to not feeling well...when I was there I went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood everywhere. I had a severe bladder infection.  As ANY woman who has gone through pregnancy the LAST thing you ever want to see is blood when you go to the bathroom.  I will NEVER forget the feeling of leaving L&D that day with my medication and standing next to my car just sobbing....WHAT A SCARE!  I still tear up just thinking of the emotions of that day, seeing blood and being 32 wks I initially thought G was coming 8 wks early...NOT something I was wanting.

So here I am, drinking my days away,LOL, Doing all I have to do to avoid dehydration.  When I'm not drinking I eat, but man to I get full fast.  Trying to keep positive thoughts for the next 12 wks. I'm just taking it one day at a time.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

Kids & Pregnancy

Run Stella Run
So my sweetheart Stella came off the bus Friday with her 1st place trophy!  She mentioned she wanted a trophy, and I as most mothers said, "Ok honey, sure" not really *thinking* she'd ACTUALLY win the trophy!!!  Now, I'm pretty sure it's just for her grade, but she originally told me she wanted to run 10 laps, and AGAIN, I said "Ok, honey Sure"  WELL.....14 laps later!!!!  I just can't believe it!  She's AMAZING!

She helped raise over $500 for her school!  I just can't believe ALL of the support she received!  THANKS BUNCHES to everyone!!!

The defiance of this 2 yr old AMAZES me.  The screaming and throwing and just plain yells of "NOOOOOO."   UGH UGH UGH
Now I know we all think our children are smart/above their peers etc....but I swear in certain aspects she really is! LOL.  It amazes me how she's able to manipulate and get her way.  Now yes, I DO give in at times.  She's dealing with the loss of the binky and has replaced it with the comfort of her bed, watching freakin Dora on her DVD player and cuddling with her animals and occasional 'baba' (bottle). But as I speak to her OT, we are just picking our battles.  Her anxiety levels increase drastically at times of distress. It's such a difficult thing to watch and deal with.  I'm hoping in the next week to get her back into seeing her therapist.

PREGNANCY with twins
Let me first say, I figured this pregnancy would be well, different. BUT never in my LIFE would I think I would be in as much pain as I am.  Feeling like you've been hit between the legs with a baseball bat 24/7 is just UN-FREAKIN REAL.
The exhaustion as well is just ridiculous.  I often find myself saying, "I don't know why I'm so tired"  UGH. I guess when you have double the amount of blood, 2 little bodies leaching everything out of you AND the inability to can get tired more often.  BUT I just feel so guilty.  Jimmy sleeps about 6 hrs a day and  then takes care of all of us PLUS cleans up the kitchen every night then goes to work at 11:30.....What a SAINT.  I am SO LUCKY.

This weekend
This was a nice low key weekend. We bought the new Harry Potter and watched it Friday night. At what point will WE (Jimmy & I) be able to watch a movie without stopping it 10 times?!?!  (Last week we watched The Bourne Ultimatum and I kid you not, it took us over 4 hours to watch it!!!!)
We went grocery shopping, I went to Michael's to finish up buying Easter basket trinkets and bought gasoline....I know, my life is SO EXCITING! LOL

This week I have an OB appt. and Stella has a half day Wednesday for the start of Easter vacation....WOW, Easter....I bought my ham today.....guess I should figure out the rest of my menu.....


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Ultrasound at 25 wks

I'm now 25 wks and 2 days.

The boys are measuring 27 wks and 2.1lbs and 2.3lbs.  WOW.  No wonder why I pee ALL the time.  This is a picture of their little heads, ON MY BLADDER. Aren't they CLOSE!?  It's just SO amazing.

They are both kicking my ribs/lungs/diaphragm, aren't they nice!  

Baby A, Robin's FOOT

Baby B, Batman's FOOT

Testing pictures and more

I'm trying to figure all this out.  I'm so lame when it comes to this and all the 'foreign' computer language.  This is a picture I took in the car waiting for the bus to pick up Stella a few weeks ago.

So Stella had her performance the other night and was just my shining little star!  She sang, danced and played the bells very well!  It's SO hard to believe her Kindergarten year is coming to a close in just a short time.  

Do any other parents feel old enough to have these little school age kids!?!?  I still feel I'm in high school at times. I mean, I'm going to be 33 this year! WOW!  40 is just around the corner!  My mom was 40 for EVER my head!

Have you seen those T-shirts that say "who are all these kids and why are they calling me mom?" Yea, I totally live that now! I look around at the little house we rent and think all the time, all this crap is ours! OMGosh!  I cook, I clean, I do laundry......HOW DID I GET HERE?!?!?!  

I've been in a LOT of pain as I get bigger and these boys take over more and more. I've really been unable to do most things this week, and it's KILLING me.  I HATE, HATE how my house looks right now.  I've had such a handle on the toys, the papers on the table, the dishes, the laundry...but seriously in just 4 days it's gone to HELL.  I'm AMAZED at how G can destroy a room so quickly.  I can't bend over and just pick stuff up, it hurts and just not a pretty sight.  I've even stopped trying to reach into the washing machine to take out the wet clothes....I physically can't do it without hurting myself.

I've been attempting to follow the FLY LADY. Not religiously, I just wanted to get a start on how to handle everything.  I've wanted a schedule, but have had a difficult time making one on my own.  I LOVE her.  I love the constant reminder that you are NOT BEHIND and that the mess didn't get there in one day, so how are you going to clean it all up in one day.  I've been keeping my bathrooms fairly cleaned, again I do what I can without hurting myself and my kitchen has been amazing with the help of my wonderful husband.  Speaking of Jimmy,  I mentioned to him how keeping the kitchen sink clean and clear of dishes all the time brings peace to me as well as keeping the clutter at bay....OMG, he's TOTALLY a rock star.  He cleans the dishes in the sink every night so when I wake up in the morning it's EMPTY.  I'm SO lucky, he's such a hard worker and helps SO much at home and with the girls.  

OK....I better go do something productive and fold my laundry in the dryer.....MUST keep on top of it!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

my first post

I've written and erased 3 times so far.

I'm sitting here watching my children eat their nutritious dinner of fast food (GASP) before we go to Stella's PTF, Parent Teacher Fellowship meeting tonight.  It's the last one of the year and the K5 are performing!  Stella even has a line to say while in front of a mic. Needless to say, she's VERY excited! I've very thankful to our good friends Matt & Anne for watching the little one.

I'm hoping and assuming this will become easier for me to write. I OFTEN have things I think & say when THINKING of writing a blog. I mean, I've been told by several people I should write one....Georgia alone gives me enough ammo to write.  But now being pregnant with TWINS, having G at home all day and a moody 6 yr old....boy oh boy have I seen, heard and really said it all! LOL.  

I was just thinking today how much I MISS Georgia's binky.  It's now been a week and a half since she last had it, and OH MY GOSH, she talks and repeats herself Waaaaaay too much.  I have little patience as it is, but with crazy double the amount of hormones rushing through my body I'm NOT one to tick off.  Thank goodness G will not remember how many times a day I yell at her! 

Ok, that's really all for now...I must go fight Stella in the bathroom while trying to "do" her hair....let's HOPE she allows me to just put a headband on her head with OUT the 6 different colored barrettes as well!