Thursday, March 22, 2018

My twin-less twin

It's been 3 years since I've written! So much time, so much change. Three birthdays, and Holidays with Grady and without  Cullen..  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, actually, every time I'm with Grady I think of him. I think of what type of craziness and love they would have brought to our family and how their friendship and bond would get stronger each day. 


Grief sucks. It NEVER ends, it changes. It changes you, how you perceive life, other people and family dynamics.   It makes you gain friends and lose the closest ones you thought loved you. 
Life goes on, even when you're stuck in so many past moments. You never know when the devastation will overcome you as if the death of your child was right NOW.

Grady, my sweet, amazing, smart, kind and sensitive boy believes he killed his brother! He feels the utmost pain DAILY for thinking he wasn't there for him, that he didn't help him survive. These thoughts haunt him. He talks about it when he wakes up, cries on the way to school, mentions Cullen as soon as he gets in the car and all night long, hardly being able to do his homework.  

Grady is a twin-less twin. For some reason, shame on me, I never once thought how he would deal with the loss of Cullen. I guess I figured that since he didn't know him, he wouldn't be curious, he wouldn't be unhappy, he wouldn't be, sad,  devastated, guilty, alone, hurt or suffer. How could I have NOT thought about this?

Grady has survivors guilt. He's on the verge, if not already depressed and actually in need of medication.  

My boy wants to DIE. He wants to be with his brother, his best friend, his twin. 

This road will be the most difficult one for sure. I hope I can handle it. I want to fix it and I can't.