Monday, August 12, 2013

What is so different?

The boys' birthday came and went.
It was  "easier" this year; only because we didn't have a party. 
We were in California and "celebrated" with family and went to Disneyland. 

All I can say is that I was and still am in denial.  
I've been floating along and just going on each day, like I'm totally fine.
I'm involved in my amazing and awesome business that really helps me keep motivated...but...
There is always a but. 

For the past 2 months I have been trying to figure out WHY I am in such a stinking funk. 
Today I found out Georgia's doctor, well, the most genuine AWESOME Nurse practitioner, is leaving the office. 
It was like a HUGE wave of dark disappointment came over me. 
I mean, instant crying and feeling lost. 


I sat there
in my bed
trying for the life of me to figure out what was going on

Then, a lightbulb went off.     I've felt this way before...

It was June this year.
My friend told me she was leaving The March of Dimes. 
I mean, it wasn't like she was leaving town; She was just moving on to a new job. 

Merriam Webster dictionary states that Abandon can mean 
": to withdraw protection, support, or help from"

I also felt the SAME thing July 4th 2011, Grady's "graduation" from the NICU. The nurses were so wonderful and I was leaving them and they were moving on with their lives.

Was I really Abandoned? 
I sure feel that way emotionally. 
I KNOW I wasn't. 

These people, these amazing people in my life, have influenced me and really,

graced me with their presence, knowledge, love and understanding.  

These people were here for me in my. DARKEST. DAYS.

There are SO many of these people in my life. 
Why do I feel so hurt when they go on to do amazing things in their lives. 

I think I know the answer. 

I'm stuck. Grief never goes away. 

I can't look at Grady without thinking of Cullen. Each smile I have is instantly taken away because all I think about is his best friend, his sweet innocent brother that died such a horrible death.  

I find myself in a darker place. 
Not the super scary dark place I was last year at this time.
But, somewhere I need to find my way out of. 

This sucks. 
Grief sucks.

Monday, June 17, 2013

things are the same...but life is very different

In one week it will be my boys 2ed birthday. I should be happy, but instead I'm dreading it.  Will I ever be happy to celebrate Grady's birthday while always remembering that same day Cullen was born he also died?   I've not planned anything for Grady. I haven't even thought about having a cake.

We are flying home to California in just a few days...I should be excited, but again, I'm dreading it.  It's been over 4 years since I've been home.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would hate it.  Two years ago I figured that the next time we went home we would be a big family of 6 taking up an entire row of an airplane. One boy at each window in their carseats, one parent next to them and one sweet big sister in the aisle. Now, we will share our row with a single the seat Cullen should be in.  Cullen's seat in the van remains empty...the void  represents the hole in my heart that will never heal.

The past several weeks the numbness has intensified. The crying has increased.  I've began to alienate myself again.  I expect all of this, I accept it.  I don't believe this will ever change.  The pain will never go away.  There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of Cullen. The intense physical pain that comes over me at times is more than's as if evil has taken over and beats me over and over again.  My heart feels like it's being crushed.  I feel like the world is spinning all around me and I simple can't for the life of me see straight.

Because of Cullen, I wouldn't be where I am today. There is a lot of "bad," but he has given me this gift that I would have never received if it weren't for his death.  I now know hundreds of new people. I have been able to help MANY because of my journey. I've started my own business. I am forcing myself out of this thick shell that has engulfed my heart, my mind and my soul.  For one of the first times in my life, I am starting (at times) to feel empowered.  Sometimes, I think it's silly. This business, this amazing Tea that I am selling has given such an amazing gift to me and my family already.  It's been 2 months that I've been working as an independent sales consultant for Steeped Tea. I've been to Canada, I'm one of the founding USA Consultants for this amazing, beautiful company.  I'm surrounded by positivity.  I'm surrounded by hope.  For the first time in over 2 years, I am doing something for me and I don't feel guilty.  I feel like I'm contributing to my family in a positive way just by having MY business, my own time...I'm giving my family ME.

Life as a grieving mother has a lot of twists, turns, valleys and mountains to chase.  A grieving mother is that...ALWAYS grieving...She may "seem" okay, she may seem "fine" or even "normal," She is not.  She will never be. Life goes on. Life doesn't pause. This journey is never ending.  I'm thankful for those that I have met because of Cullen.  He's given me a larger heart a more open mind. It amazes me how my son that did not speak and never moved once he was born has impacted me. He's impacted SO MANY PEOPLE. He truly is my guardian angel changing my life each and every day.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Rest in Peace sweet Cayson

Cayson Sailor Page died on Thursday March 21, 2013, he was 7 months old and a little over 9lbs.

I have never met or even spoken to his mom Liz, but the connection I have with her is unbelievable.  In fact, the bond I have with all my TTTS parents is so near and dear to my heart.  I often worry about the time I spend online "with" them, BUT it's also the BEST therapy for me when it comes to Cullen.  I've said it before and I will say it again, Cullen gave me the gift to help others in this horrible similar situation.  Most times, I can accept this.  Cullen has given me more of an appreciation to life, my children, my husband, my family...

The ability to 'be there' for another mother in a similar situation is such a gift. Cullen has given this to me.  I now have hundreds of people in my life that I would have never had if Cullen hadn't died. Don't get me wrong....It would be WONDERFUL and AMAZING to have him back. BUT, that being said, he's given me the gift to find out more about myself.

You never know how your life will change, how events will change you, shape you.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

it's always there....

I am wearing a pair of shoes. 
They are ugly shoes. 
Uncomfortable shoes. 
I hate my shoes. 
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. 
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. 
Yet, I continue to wear them. 
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. 
They are looks of sympathy. 
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. 
They never talk about my shoes. 
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. 
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. 
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. 
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. 
There are many pairs in this world. 
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. 
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. 
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. 
No woman deserves to wear these shoes. 
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. 
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. 
They have made me who I am. 
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

This was a post on Facebook the other day. THIS is my life. I've not written since December, I've wanted to, but haven't. I mean, how many different ways can I say I HURT, but I go on each day.

Cullen has forever changed me, not for the bad or the good....I'm just different. 

With all the people I now know all over the world because of his death, I am surrounded by reality. This reality is REAL and frightening and ugly.  DEATH.  

Death surrounds us. People go on each day like it doesn't exist. 
I can honestly say I know lots of BABIES that fight for their life before they are born.  I know LOTS of mothers who wake up each day not knowing if the babies they are carrying will live or die to see their Birth day.  This makes me hurt so much.  

The journey certainly doesn't end once the babies are born either.  I have a friend who has her 7 month old baby boy FIGHTING for his life RIGHT NOW.  Baby Cayson was born weighing just over 1 lb. ONE POUND! He's fought his WHOLE life and now as I write this he is fighting to stay alive.  I can't even fathom how his family is dealing.  

Proper care during twin pregnancies MUST happen.  Proper procedures NEED to be in place to minimize intrauterine death, pre-maturity and long term health problems.  

 I just don't understand why there are no SET parameters for twin pregnancies.  

Did you know, (because I didn't) that some women get ONLY one ultrasound for their whole pregnancy?! that point, between 16-20 weeks, one or both babies could have been diagnosed and TREATED, but instead one or both die?  Poor OB care and the actual KNOWLEDGE some of these doctors have about TTTS is OUT-DATED.  

A friend of mine is trying to CHANGE the standards of care for twin pregnancies, these changes can make a difference between LIFE and DEATH of babies.  

PLEASE PLEASE sign this petition and help mothers pregnant with twins get the BASIC care needed to help save lives.