Sunday, June 17, 2012

51 weeks

I'm falling apart. I have one week until their birthday and Grady's party. I feel like a train wreck. I have no motivation, except to keep myself busy planning and writing list after list trying to organize myself for next Sunday. I think I have 4 notebooks, an app on my phone & an iPad note with all the same stuff on them except I don't know what I'm doing. I haven't figured out how I'm getting the tables and chairs here, when I'm "cooking", what I'm cooking, or even how I'm planning on setting up and decorating, oh and blowing up 50-75 balloons!?

I'm thinking my meds are not working. In fact, I know it. How can my mind go a thousand miles a minute yet I feel like it's blank?
Im here in body but NOT IN MIND. My emotions are all over the freakin place.

Back in December I told myself I wasn't going to blame myself for Cullen's death. It wasn't my fault, I didn't DO anything to cause it all to happen...BUT I know now why I'm unable to mourn, the blame is still there. I've NOT forgiven myself. I know I didn't do it. But I'm unknowingly blaming me because in my heart I know my BODY FAILED ME so in turn I feel I did fail. I didn't do what I, as a woman, as a mother should have done: Give birth to TWO HEALTHY BABIES! How does one get over this?!?!