Friday, November 18, 2011

who am I

It’s been 21 weeks since the boys were born.  21 painful, confusing, stressful, stomach turning, sleepless, tearful weeks.  At the same time it’s been amazing having Grady.  Even though I have the girls, I never knew that the love I have for Grady existed.  I wonder if that makes me a bad mother.  I feel that way.  I’m not the mother I was hoping to be. I’m lost.  I have no patience.  I’m angry.  I’m weak and I’m tired.  I’ve been told I’m so strong. Well, I have no choice. I am the way I am because I have to be.  But I’m not “strong” all the time.  There are times I can’t see my girls’ smiles through my tears.  I cry while I cook. I cry while I drive. I cry changing Grady. I cry in the shower.  I think of Cullen every day. Every hour.  Every Friday I replay the day they were born.  Over and over.  I’m often asked if I’m “seeing someone” if I’m “getting help.” I laugh at it.  The answer is yes. I am in therapy.  Is it helping....yes. Am I on medication. Yes. I can NOT imagine dealing with everyday life without it.  I wish I could get enough to make me numb.  But I know it’s not possible.  Grady makes me smile. I know he’s a miracle. If it weren’t for Cullen making me go into labor, and I KNOW his distress made me....we wouldn’t have Grady.  He’s my sunshine. At times, he’s the reason I can get out of bed.  I’m a twister of emotion.  I hate it.  Most of the time I can’t describe how I feel.  One minute I’m going through my day, the next it hits me like a runaway train and I’m sobbing.  My mind goes a mile a minute ALL the time.  I still think ‘what if’  I will forever think WHAT IF.  Grady likes to laugh at himself in front of the mirror. He should be looking at Cullen.  I should have 2 beautiful faces to make me smile.  But then more guilt.  If I had both of them I would be that twin mom desperate for a break. I’d be the mom saying it was hard. That I got no sleep. I don’t think I’d appreciate what I had.  You often don’t until you don’t have it.  I’d be the mom I now despise.  The one I’m SO jealous of.  So envious of.  This “special club” I’m now  The only other people that truly know what I am going through are amazing. THEY are my therapy. THEY are my saving graces.  THEY  I have never met.  THEY are just like me. THEY have what we call a survivor and and angel.  Without these women....well...I don’t want to know.  I log onto facebook to see how THEY are doing.  See if THEY are having a bad day or a better day.  THEY are all over the world, yet all in my heart.  On my good days, I like to think of all of our angels together “somewhere.”  I don’t like to say Heaven because I’ve had a hard time believing in God.  More so now than ever really.  I WANT to believe, but really struggle. I want to believe in Heaven. That Cullen is being taken care of. That I will see him again.  But I just don’t know how.  If there is a God, why does he let this happen? WHY does he take precious babies?  I’ve heard that God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle.  I can’t handle this. I’m on medication that isn’t ENOUGH to take the pain away.  I can hardly live my life without feeling completely lost and weak.  I feel the weeks are just passing me by and I’m missing out on so much.  How can I be excited for life again.  How do I get through this.  I know I will be told to give it time....but I just can’t see that helping much.  The pain, the hurt.....will ALWAYS hurt this much....that will never change.  It’s just such a lonely road to travel.  A road that everyone experiences slightly different.  During my ‘good’ moments, I know it’ll get HAS too!  But, on my weak moments, which are more often then I’d like to admit.....I feel like it’ll never be ok. That I will be “fake Allison” forever.  That I will never really know myself.  It’s a horrible feeling not knowing yourself.