December 31 2014....Today is the one year anniversary of my father in law's death.

Tomorrow, I will start my journey once again to Washington State. My dad's cancer has once again metastasized into his liver. We've been so lucky to have him live this long, 7 months since the first bone metastasis. There is nothing else they can do. His squamous cell carcinoma has spread from all over his skin, to his bones and now his liver, this has been something the medical field has been astounded by. Even if they had the time to identify the molecular growth factors of the cancer cells then find out which medication could help him, it's highly unlikely they would ever find one.  It's really time to say goodbye...this sucks.  I'll be flying Friday morning, meeting my sister and my mom, we will figure the best hospice care for my dear dad to make him the most comfortable. I can only stay one week...I wish I could stay until the end.

once again, it's been WAY too long.

Confession time.
Since January this year I have been on ZERO medication for my depression. What does that give a person? A few months of "hey, I can do this!" THEN....you start thinking about the upcoming summer...then you find out someone close to you has terminal cancer and there is nothing that can be done. Your life flips the hell around and you start to spin out of control. I became that mom that just screams at her kids for everything. I avoided my friends....by business started to suffer....my team I hold "together" starts to drift apart. I feel like a failure.

Depression...dark depression isn't something you can just pick up a phone and call your doctor and say, "hey, I'm screwed up because I was stupid and stopped taking my meds because I was 'feeling fine'." Dark depression is the inability to do MORE than pick up the phone and ask for help....you stop doing basic things. Washing your face, brushing your teeth, brushing your hair and you shower less. I stopped cooking because, as most moms, you're tired of half your kids not eating what you made, so you just stop caring. You grocery shop less, because what is the point. And don't forget you start to eat junk.

Through all of this.....mostly from May until now, I've been treading water...and sinking a few times. I've screamed at my kids, I'm not proud of it. But, I also know I am NOT the only mom who has "THOSE" days....I may get them just about everyday. But I am human. I am lonely. I am ashamed. WHY? WHY are we made to feel this way. Because ASKING for help somehow makes you feel like a dam failure....and that is STUPID.

I stopped enjoying my children. Their summer was boring. They didn't do much...the thought of leaving the house with all three of them seemed like pure torture. The bickering....the chasing Grady....I had NO energy, or drive...to do a darn thing. Luckily they were able to go to camp a few times. You know I NEVER once took them to the beach :(

Grady and Cullen's birthday, came and went. It's been 3 YEARS since I held him. It SUCKS. It still hurts. Does it mean I love my other children less, NO. What do I think of now? Grady's best friend is gone. They would have been SO crazy and SO funny. Because Grady really is both of them. I believe the last few weeks of my pregnancy Cullen may have taken all of Grady's blood, but he replaced it with LOVE, LAUGHTER and a bit of comedy. I didn't sing Happy Birthday to Cullen this time. :( I don't want Grady to feel as if he's not enough....because boy IS HE! He's AMAZING. And with my depression and sadness it's been so so difficult to appreciate him.

I haven't appreciated much. My girls have suffered greatly. Jimmy has suffered, he has had to pick up all the slack I simply can't handle (which has been A LOT!) I don't say Thank You enough. It's always been a very hard thing for me to say. WHY? Again, in my eyes it's because I wasn't good enough. It's hard living this way when you are SO darn tough on yourself.

I made the call just a few weeks ago to my psychiatrist. I was so afraid he would yell at me for not seeing him for A YEAR! But he didn't. He was awesome. He promised me I would get better and FEEL better. He's figured out why so many medications haven't worked...last year he was ready to try ECT, which scared the crap out of me, he actually said he was at a loss as to why medications wouldn't work on me. This time, we are trying mood stabilizers....for Bipolar. It makes sense to me. I may have not had the extremes you hear about....but I've ALWAYS thought I was. We are ramping me up on my dosage along with my prozac. We will see. I haven't had the outbursts like I did, but it's just been a few weeks.

Today I took Georgia to see a new therapist. It was a VERY emotional day. We talked about how sick she was as a baby, how her sensory issues have ALWAYS played a role in who she is. We spoke about Cullen, the loss of her PopPop last year...my 'disappearances' when the boys were born, when Grady was 6 weeks old and when I was placed into the hospital 2 years ago for a week. It was exhausting. Feeling like you've caused so many of your child's issues, sucks.

My Tea business is amazing. However, with life going the way it's going, I'm trying my best to stay on top of my team. When I started this 2 years ago after my hospital stay, it was to have something FOR ME....to get me out and talking to adults. It's blossomed into having a team of over 60 all over the US! The last thing I want to do is disappoint these amazing people that look up to me. Never did I think this would happen.

In October I will take a journey no child wants to take. I will fly across country to see my dad. My dad's health has never been the best, but his body was always able to fight and come through it. This time, my dad has metastatic bone cancer. I'm "saying it outloud" now....because I simply can't hold my sadness and heartache inside much longer. My relationship with my dad has not always been the easiest. But he's ALWAYS loved me and bragged about me and my accomplishments. He's ALWAYS been there when I needed advise about my car or our new house or precious rental issues. I don't want to lose him. He's been the BEST he could be, because really, that is all we have. The best we have to give, is different each day. It depends on life. It depends on how you feel physically. It depends on if your heart is hurting. Once again, I realize from the death of Cullen....you NEVER should judge a person on the way they treat you just from one day....you don't know if their dog died, or they were let go from a job, they lost a loved one, or was just diagnosed with a terminal illness. You also, CAN'T compare depression. What makes one person depressed may be totally different than yourself. All you can do, all you SHOULD do, is say that you are sorry. There is no "what if" or "at least."

I've always been fairly open about my depression. Why be quiet? There are SO many people that need help in the world that are too ashamed or feel too alone. You never know who you might help. SO I encourage you, TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS....and don't wait to get help like me.....

some days

Today is a crappy day.
I started looking through Cullen's box for the time that he was born because I don't remember. It makes me sad that I don't know this, I don't remember the girls' times, but not remembering Cullen's makes me feel so guilty. I sat on the bed this morning and just sobbed. I've become pretty good at avoiding things that will make me fall apart. Grady came in and started to look at the pictures and actually pointed at them and said "me and Cullen" and I cried even more. He asked where he was, asked if he was sick, asked if he was better, then asked if he was coming back. I thought it was difficult when Georgia asked these questions, but this....this hurt SO MUCH. I've always thought about how Grady has lost his best friend, but lately as he's been home playing alone or at preschool I just simply can't stop thinking about it, it makes me so very sad.

Time just is going by

Holy cow, it's been 7 months since I've written.  SO much has happened.

September 2013 came and went. I reflected A LOT about Sept. 2012 and how depressed and low I was. I thought A LOT about being in the hospital and also how far I had come.

October, my mom visited and the kids had a blast spending time with their grandma.

November we bought a house!

It's still crazy to me. We moved in the last week of November and sometimes I'm still in shock we bit the bullet and BOUGHT. After our last visit home (California) this summer, I realized that Salisbury, MD was home. This is where my major support is. This is where my children have been born and now go to school....This is where Cullen was born and died. How could I leave it.

December was filled with unpacking and trying to get out life officially settled. Settled into a place that we knew we were staying. It's crazy, since the boys were born in June 2011, we have lived in 4 houses! Grady, is 2 1/2 and has moved 3 times!! It's amazing what tragedy makes you do...

January 2014 started off on a very sad note, Jimmy's dad died New Years Eve. We had actually just come home from visiting his parents from Christmas and not even 48 hours later his dad was gone. You would think after all I have been through I would be good at consoling my husband, but I really don't think I did a good job. I instantly go into survival mode and do what needs to get done. (sigh).

February, honestly came and went and now it's March! March is the kickoff for March for Babies. This is our third year....THIRD.

I've been putting off updating our page for Cullen on the March of Dimes website.  (but I FINALLY did it today. What a RUSH of emotion. It's raw and it is SO very painful.)

 http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/CullenVeals

Once again, I tried to ignore it. But like ANY loss parent, you know it's real. You know it's real every day of your life. I stare into the exact face I should be seeing two of every day. A face that is SO beautiful and so happy and so innocent.

The lost, empty place inside your heart ALWAYS reminds you of what you do not have. People like to point out that "you have so much" "look what you DO have" "be grateful for the children you have now." People like to "soften" what has happened because they are uncomfortable with it. Death is REAL and is SUCKS. Parents shouldn't have to be gentle with what they say about their loss because of how it might make YOU feel.  A person is allowed to be depressed, it is a natural normal part of life.

My children do not make up for one another, they do not take the place of one another....they are each an individual. 

I'm ALLOWED to be upset. I'm ALLOWED to be bitter or pissed off at the world. YES, I am ALLOWED to be okay one minute and NOT the next and NO there usually isn't 'something' that has provoked my tears....my baby boy died. And no, I'm not going to pray about it. If you would like to pray for me, go for it. 

I've been SO busy with my AMAZING JOB as a Steeped Tea consultant to really slow down and 'REALLY' think about Cullen...it's my medicine. It's my outlet. I am SO grateful for having Steeped Tea in my life. I have a TEAm of 16 amazing, awesome women that I hope to become closer with, encourage and learn from. I have amazing mentors and best of all, I have AMAZING lifetime friends. I joined Steeped Tea one year ago this month. This simple cup of tea....has SAVED ME. I have purpose. Not to say being a wife and a mommy didn't give me purpose before...but I now am doing something I LOVE and I'm bringing in some money to my family. There really is something great about adding to your family's income.  I have ONLY ever wanted to help others, make a difference in their lives. My sweet Cullen has given this to me. Because of him I have a special friend who told me about Steeped Tea and now here I am. 

The conflicting emotions today alone has obviously driven me to write. It's all over the place; happy, mad and happy again. That is my daily life. But I am doing it. The next month and a half will be a major emotionally roller coaster and it's okay. It's life and it's mine.