September 2013 came and went. I reflected A LOT about Sept. 2012 and how depressed and low I was. I thought A LOT about being in the hospital and also how far I had come.
October, my mom visited and the kids had a blast spending time with their grandma.
November we bought a house!
It's still crazy to me. We moved in the last week of November and sometimes I'm still in shock we bit the bullet and BOUGHT. After our last visit home (California) this summer, I realized that Salisbury, MD was home. This is where my major support is. This is where my children have been born and now go to school....This is where Cullen was born and died. How could I leave it.
December was filled with unpacking and trying to get out life officially settled. Settled into a place that we knew we were staying. It's crazy, since the boys were born in June 2011, we have lived in 4 houses! Grady, is 2 1/2 and has moved 3 times!! It's amazing what tragedy makes you do...
January 2014 started off on a very sad note, Jimmy's dad died New Years Eve. We had actually just come home from visiting his parents from Christmas and not even 48 hours later his dad was gone. You would think after all I have been through I would be good at consoling my husband, but I really don't think I did a good job. I instantly go into survival mode and do what needs to get done. (sigh).
February, honestly came and went and now it's March! March is the kickoff for March for Babies. This is our third year....THIRD.
I've been putting off updating our page for Cullen on the March of Dimes website. (but I FINALLY did it today. What a RUSH of emotion. It's raw and it is SO very painful.)
Once again, I tried to ignore it. But like ANY loss parent, you know it's real. You know it's real every day of your life. I stare into the exact face I should be seeing two of every day. A face that is SO beautiful and so happy and so innocent.
The lost, empty place inside your heart ALWAYS reminds you of what you do not have. People like to point out that "you have so much" "look what you DO have" "be grateful for the children you have now." People like to "soften" what has happened because they are uncomfortable with it. Death is REAL and is SUCKS. Parents shouldn't have to be gentle with what they say about their loss because of how it might make YOU feel. A person is allowed to be depressed, it is a natural normal part of life.
My children do not make up for one another, they do not take the place of one another....they are each an individual.
I'm ALLOWED to be upset. I'm ALLOWED to be bitter or pissed off at the world. YES, I am ALLOWED to be okay one minute and NOT the next and NO there usually isn't 'something' that has provoked my tears....my baby boy died. And no, I'm not going to pray about it. If you would like to pray for me, go for it.
I've been SO busy with my AMAZING JOB as a Steeped Tea consultant to really slow down and 'REALLY' think about Cullen...it's my medicine. It's my outlet. I am SO grateful for having Steeped Tea in my life. I have a TEAm of 16 amazing, awesome women that I hope to become closer with, encourage and learn from. I have amazing mentors and best of all, I have AMAZING lifetime friends. I joined Steeped Tea one year ago this month. This simple cup of tea....has SAVED ME. I have purpose. Not to say being a wife and a mommy didn't give me purpose before...but I now am doing something I LOVE and I'm bringing in some money to my family. There really is something great about adding to your family's income. I have ONLY ever wanted to help others, make a difference in their lives. My sweet Cullen has given this to me. Because of him I have a special friend who told me about Steeped Tea and now here I am.
The conflicting emotions today alone has obviously driven me to write. It's all over the place; happy, mad and happy again. That is my daily life. But I am doing it. The next month and a half will be a major emotionally roller coaster and it's okay. It's life and it's mine.