Sunday, September 16, 2012

help wanted

There is no progress. I just can NOT move forward.

As before, I 'move' throughout the day, drive here, drive there. I accomplish 'making it through each day'. But that's it. I rarely cook. (We moved AGAIN, the last place wasn't maintained and we had a mold issue) I'm not cleaning, because we are still not unpacked.

In the moving process, I lost Cullen. LOST HIM. Therefore I lost IT. I lost him once, HOW could I have done it again???  I was careless....Once again. I blame. Blame myself. Nine months and 16 days ago I told myself I wasn't going to BLAME myself because it wasn't my fault. THIS TIME, it was.  I found him....still in my old bedroom. I sat there rocking back and forth SOBBING.

I'm waiting for the "magic" medication to bring ME back. I just don't think it's going to happen. Not only am I drowning...I feel like I'm watching myself die a SLOW painful death.

I've never had great self esteem....Now, I just don't feel I will ever be happy. I shouldn't be happy.  I'm unable to move forward. 1. Because I didn't WANT them. I'm told it was the "pregnancy" I didn't want initially....I guess. 2. My body failed me. Failed Cullen and Grady. Therefore now I *think* subconsciously I should be punished. I'm not really eating. I drink coffee, I'm drinking soda again, I don't drink enough water. I hardly eat during the day and when I do, I eat junk. I'm punishing my body for my body FAILING ME.

I used to BELIEVE in so much. I really believed in spirits. I believed in an afterlife. I believed in Hope. I believed in People. I believed in POSITIVE THINKING and MIND over Matter.  I believe nothing now. I'm taking each day, most times each minute as they come. I don't set goals. Because even when they are seems like I don't reach them.

What is my purpose? I NEED to feel. FEEL something more than heartache and PAIN. Stabbing PAIN. Drowning has always been a fear of mine. I just thought it would be in the water. But I'm drowning here and now.

The exhaustion of "faking it" Is stupid. I have reached my BREAKING POINT. 
I'm DONE. 
I simply CAN'T DO IT.
I'm saying it OUT LOUD.
I'm WRITING it for everyone to see. 


I'm in therapy. I'm on medication. But the WALL....THE STUPID WALL I have around me that is holding my true emotions and feelings CRUMBLING.  I'm overwhelmed. I can't pretend any longer.

I want to GRIEVE. I want to SCREAM. I want to HIT something. BREAK something. I don't want to suppress my feelings anymore! I don't want to hold it in for the sake of changing diapers or dealing with a screaming 3 yr old. I'm done pretending. As the 'leak' of my TRUE feelings and heartache is slowing seeping out of me, I'm becoming ugly. MEAN. Cruel. A nasty person.

I don't speak to many people, after all, I don't want to ruin their day by my negativity. It's like negativity pours out of me without even trying. People look at me, and know. I'm unable to hide it anymore.  I'm done. And the more I try to "HIDE" it, the more hateful I am.

Deep Dark Depression. I just shake my head. HOW does one get better?

Well, I NEED a BREAK. And I'm not just talking a day away. 

I'm preparing myself....and my children. I'm READY to go to inpatient counseling, help, therapy....whatever the term is called.

I want my children to have MOMMY back. There is no ME when I am STILL unable to GRIEVE in peace. To feel "Allowed" to be "Uninterrupted".

I don't know how this will work. Or even if there is a room for me at our hospital. But come Monday morning. I'm calling. I'm desperate. I WANT TO LET GO.

I'm not good at asking for help.  But here it is.

I will need help with my children if they "have a bed available" I will need someone, some People, to help Jimmy. I've been hesitant to become an "inpatient" since June. "It's just inconvenient for everyone." I can't make that excuse any longer. I'm afraid of my actions.