I’d like to preface this by saying that I was extremely honest when Grady and Cullen were born. Mourning an infant that died the same day as the other fought for his life, pushed through and trying to love that baby when feeling an unbelievable guilt is something I don’t wish on my worst enemy. I put out all of my raw feelings for the world to see here on FB and on my blog. I was made to feel horrible, unloving and guilty because I wasn’t “grateful for the baby that survived.” You tell me which child you would give up and not mourn for even though you have other kids. YES, THIS STILL HURTS and NO ONE EVER APOLOGIZED. I know if fact that I helped many many moms with my story and this is why I am opening up at this difficult time.
August 9------
Nine years ago today Grady almost died for the second time. But, because I trusted my mom's intuition, I called the doctor and went straight to the ED. Still in shock from the weeks prior, I actually thought I would drive him to DC Children's the next day. Let me tell you, if I had done that, he would have been dead by the time we got there. We flew to DC that night and they saved my boy once again.
Grady suffers from major depression, anxiety and survivor's guilt. In first grade he described his plan to die, flipping off the monkey bars onto his head, breaking his neck and dying so he could be with Cullen. Intense therapy began and well as medication. He worked on coping skills and was trudging through each day. Come third grade Grady told his guidance counselor that he came up with an extension of his first plan including knives at the bottom of the monkey bars. He also started poking himself with sharp objects including opened up paper clips. After this we pulled him out of school.
This past week has been the most difficult. Grady admitted that he has actually taken steak knives to his chest and pushed a bit. He also FINALLY after years of being distressed about sharp objects i.e. pencils, he told me they’ve always been tempting because he just wants to hurt himself. He ‘plays’ with Cullen, sits his bear next to him as they play xbox and now has decided that because in Buddhism he feels that Cullen was reincarnated into Arrow. This is a daily process and struggle as he constantly is sad, even if he looks and acts happy.
Grady is very lucky to have an amazing support system besides his therapists. His gym family has stepped up and been a positive force for him. They are in the process of helping him channel his anger and focus on martial arts.
This is my daily life with just Grady….
