Monday, August 12, 2013

What is so different?

The boys' birthday came and went.
It was  "easier" this year; only because we didn't have a party. 
We were in California and "celebrated" with family and went to Disneyland. 

All I can say is that I was and still am in denial.  
I've been floating along and just going on each day, like I'm totally fine.
I'm involved in my amazing and awesome business that really helps me keep motivated...but...
There is always a but. 

For the past 2 months I have been trying to figure out WHY I am in such a stinking funk. 
Today I found out Georgia's doctor, well, the most genuine AWESOME Nurse practitioner, is leaving the office. 
It was like a HUGE wave of dark disappointment came over me. 
I mean, instant crying and feeling lost. 


I sat there
in my bed
trying for the life of me to figure out what was going on

Then, a lightbulb went off.     I've felt this way before...

It was June this year.
My friend told me she was leaving The March of Dimes. 
I mean, it wasn't like she was leaving town; She was just moving on to a new job. 

Merriam Webster dictionary states that Abandon can mean 
": to withdraw protection, support, or help from"

I also felt the SAME thing July 4th 2011, Grady's "graduation" from the NICU. The nurses were so wonderful and I was leaving them and they were moving on with their lives.

Was I really Abandoned? 
I sure feel that way emotionally. 
I KNOW I wasn't. 

These people, these amazing people in my life, have influenced me and really,

graced me with their presence, knowledge, love and understanding.  

These people were here for me in my. DARKEST. DAYS.

There are SO many of these people in my life. 
Why do I feel so hurt when they go on to do amazing things in their lives. 

I think I know the answer. 

I'm stuck. Grief never goes away. 

I can't look at Grady without thinking of Cullen. Each smile I have is instantly taken away because all I think about is his best friend, his sweet innocent brother that died such a horrible death.  

I find myself in a darker place. 
Not the super scary dark place I was last year at this time.
But, somewhere I need to find my way out of. 

This sucks. 
Grief sucks.