Friday, April 24, 2015

To carry.

Once again, it’s midnight and I’m feeling the need to write.

I have SO much on my mind, so much I’ve been carrying around.

I just came back from the most AMAZING Steeped Tea Leader Retreat ever, I learned so much and can’t wait to implement the strategies for my awesome team. I’ve been with Steeped Tea for 2 years, it’s been the craziest, coolest most unbelievable experience ever. Never did I think I could do what I am doing. I’m still learning, and I, in no such way feel or know I’ve got it all together, but it’s such a challenge for myself, one I don’t take lightly and one I am SO hard on myself for.  Never did I see myself as a Leader...never mind a Senior Director in such an AWESOME UPCOMING company.  That is heavy….that I am pushing myself to such uncomfortable places….Coming out of my comfort zone is very scary. I still struggle with the small things….picking up that darn phone and asking people how they are doing and enjoying their tea….how hard is that? Well, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Steeped Tea and my wonderful team have given me the opportunity to FINALLY take care of ME. As a mom, you don’t ever take care of you….well, I decided that since finding Steeped Tea was a gift from Cullen, I was going to honor him and start doing this.  I bought myself 18 personal training sessions with the best trainer in town….he’s also been said to be in the top 100 in the country. It is SO weird doing something for me...I’ve also bought Stella 18 sessions to help with her overall strength and conditioning for running...although she thinks it’s all fun and games and soon Jimmy will start going too.

As usual, I’m going to jump around because that is how my brain works.

Do you ever have SO much going on in one weekend you want to burst at the seams….well, that is THIS weekend, really Saturday. Stella has a race at 9, I am holding a tea tasting at 11 (hoping people show up), Georgia has a birthday party at noon, Grady a party at 4 and Jimmy works from  4 to midnight. Just thinking about this makes me panic.

It’s nearing the end of the month, my most stressful time. I’m watching how my team is doing, helping them with orders and trying to come up with my minimum at the same time.  I was really hoping this month and last month I would be booked with parties since I am donating my commission to the March of Dimes in memory of Cullen, BUT I wasn’t booked and  I’m struggling.
I’ve been having some health issues that I’ve had for years come to a point where they are starting to interfere with my days. When I was pregnant with Stella the doctors found a tiny hemangioma on my liver, in time it has grown and now larger than a golf ball and causing pain, irritation and of course, a LOT of worry.  I’m going back to see my surgeon, who needed to “consult a few other people” before figuring out what I needed, this coming week. I know, after all my research (because that is what I do, did in college and LOVE,) there isn't anything really they can do. The hemangioma is in the posterior part of my liver, near my right kidney, inferior vena cava and spine. I have pain when I inhale, a fullness when I drink and eat, am uncomfortable when I lay on my stomach,  and feel a burning inside me. Oh and I can’t seem to get enough sleep.

The March of Dimes walk is Sunday….I’m so embarrassed to say I’ve not even raised $100 (minus my commission.)  Normally we raise at least $1000. I don’t even know if I have the strength to take part in it.

I’ve been missing Cullen A LOT. I see Grady play with his friends at school and all I think of is his best friend and twin should be with him. They both should be driving me crazy, cuddling with me, playing super heroes and so so much more.  That emptiness, is ALWAYS there. The feeling of breaking down: ALWAYS there. I even started to cry while walking on the treadmill today from the overwhelming life I’m leading and the pain I carry.

My girls…..oh they too worry me. Stella doesn't talk about how she feels until she just breaks down and even then I can’t figure out what the problem is (she’s just like me.) Georgia….oh my sweet Georgia….We still struggle with her anxiety, sensory issues and so much more. Being a parent can really SUCK sometimes when you can’t FIX things and the their pain and struggles are so heavy to carry as well.

I’m so unorganized, in my brain with my kids, with my house….Where do you start when you are holding the emotions and chaos in your brain. Maybe writing all this will help some.

Being overwhelmed is not fun. I’m getting to the place where I’m fading to black, but fighting to stay in the clear. I have a painting I’m looking at, one I made  a year and a half after the boys were born….after coming home from my stay in the hospital. It is mostly black and grey but fades to white...not a clear perfect while, but still, white. I feel the chaos I’m spinning in is the grey pulling me back. I know I have so much to be thankful for, but when the darkness takes over, there isn’t much you can do. Yes, my job is amazing, yes my children are wonderful and healthy and I couldn’t have a better more loving husband. But I think people forget that you can be grateful and sad and dark all at the same time.

When they say “The struggle is REAL” really is for me. Each day can be a battle. It’s not everyday, but it’s there, underneath my hectic life. The weight I carry….