Monday, June 17, 2013

things are the same...but life is very different

In one week it will be my boys 2ed birthday. I should be happy, but instead I'm dreading it.  Will I ever be happy to celebrate Grady's birthday while always remembering that same day Cullen was born he also died?   I've not planned anything for Grady. I haven't even thought about having a cake.

We are flying home to California in just a few days...I should be excited, but again, I'm dreading it.  It's been over 4 years since I've been home.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would hate it.  Two years ago I figured that the next time we went home we would be a big family of 6 taking up an entire row of an airplane. One boy at each window in their carseats, one parent next to them and one sweet big sister in the aisle. Now, we will share our row with a single the seat Cullen should be in.  Cullen's seat in the van remains empty...the void  represents the hole in my heart that will never heal.

The past several weeks the numbness has intensified. The crying has increased.  I've began to alienate myself again.  I expect all of this, I accept it.  I don't believe this will ever change.  The pain will never go away.  There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of Cullen. The intense physical pain that comes over me at times is more than's as if evil has taken over and beats me over and over again.  My heart feels like it's being crushed.  I feel like the world is spinning all around me and I simple can't for the life of me see straight.

Because of Cullen, I wouldn't be where I am today. There is a lot of "bad," but he has given me this gift that I would have never received if it weren't for his death.  I now know hundreds of new people. I have been able to help MANY because of my journey. I've started my own business. I am forcing myself out of this thick shell that has engulfed my heart, my mind and my soul.  For one of the first times in my life, I am starting (at times) to feel empowered.  Sometimes, I think it's silly. This business, this amazing Tea that I am selling has given such an amazing gift to me and my family already.  It's been 2 months that I've been working as an independent sales consultant for Steeped Tea. I've been to Canada, I'm one of the founding USA Consultants for this amazing, beautiful company.  I'm surrounded by positivity.  I'm surrounded by hope.  For the first time in over 2 years, I am doing something for me and I don't feel guilty.  I feel like I'm contributing to my family in a positive way just by having MY business, my own time...I'm giving my family ME.

Life as a grieving mother has a lot of twists, turns, valleys and mountains to chase.  A grieving mother is that...ALWAYS grieving...She may "seem" okay, she may seem "fine" or even "normal," She is not.  She will never be. Life goes on. Life doesn't pause. This journey is never ending.  I'm thankful for those that I have met because of Cullen.  He's given me a larger heart a more open mind. It amazes me how my son that did not speak and never moved once he was born has impacted me. He's impacted SO MANY PEOPLE. He truly is my guardian angel changing my life each and every day.