Sunday, August 7, 2011

so sad

Yesterday I was asked how many children I had.  Who ever knew that question would be so painful to answer.  I said 4.  But was hesitant only because I didn't want to go into detail.  I hate surprising people with the details of Cullen.  No one expects to hear your baby died the same day he was born.  It SUCKS.  

This has been a really difficult week. It's just taken's just been 9 days since the memorial and feels like a lifetime. It's been 6 weeks since I had the boys, it's the longest 6 weeks of my life.  I miss Cullen SO much.  I'm waiting to wake up from this horrible horrible nightmare.  I want to hold him and cuddle him.  I want to kiss his beautiful soft face.  I want to rub his fuzzy head....Grady's hair is just as fuzzy on top now....I couldn't imagine not having him too.

Jimmy and I were out to dinner on Thursday while the girls were at Vacation Bible School....while staring at Grady I just started to cry.  I wonder when it won't hurt as much. I wonder when I just won't start to cry.  I wonder if my new normal will really feel normal.  I love my family, but I hate that part of us is not here.  

I've been told so many times how strong I am. Hearing that makes me feel like a fraud.  I don't feel strong.  In fact I'm a total mess, mentally and emotionally.  I'm trying to fool myself at times.  I really don't think any amount of medication or therapy will ever make me ok.  When asked, How are you?  How do I respond when in fact I have NO IDEA how I am.  <sigh>  

I think that when my mom was here I was purposely letting her have Grady most of the time.  I've been in such a fog that with her or Jimmy feeding or changing him I didn't have to be hit with my reality of it being just Grady. I didn't have to think about only having one baby home. But now that she's gone, and I'm sharing the duties with Jimmy it's forcing me into the new normal....but I can't stop thinking about Cullen.  I feel like I think and live in a cyclone.  I'm in a downward spiral.....and I don't know which way is up, down or sideways.  My feelings and emotions are all over the place.  

As much as I thought I was ready to see my friends and talk. I’m finding it hard to write or call people.  I have friends I was planning on calling and just haven’t.  I feel I don’t have many positive things to say.  I’ve been just anxious. It’s a strange place for me to be in.  I usually thrive on my friendships.  They mean so much to me.  My friends make me happy. But I think with the way my life is right now...nothing can really make me happy.  I struggle with it.  It seems like I’m struggling in SO many ways.