Yesterday I was asked how many children I had. Who ever knew that question would be so painful to answer. I said 4. But was hesitant only because I didn't want to go into detail. I hate surprising people with the details of Cullen. No one expects to hear your baby died the same day he was born. It SUCKS.
This has been a really difficult week. It's just taken forever....it's just been 9 days since the memorial and feels like a lifetime. It's been 6 weeks since I had the boys, it's the longest 6 weeks of my life. I miss Cullen SO much. I'm waiting to wake up from this horrible horrible nightmare. I want to hold him and cuddle him. I want to kiss his beautiful soft face. I want to rub his fuzzy head....Grady's hair is just as fuzzy on top now....I couldn't imagine not having him too.
Jimmy and I were out to dinner on Thursday while the girls were at Vacation Bible School....while staring at Grady I just started to cry. I wonder when it won't hurt as much. I wonder when I just won't start to cry. I wonder if my new normal will really feel normal. I love my family, but I hate that part of us is not here.
I've been told so many times how strong I am. Hearing that makes me feel like a fraud. I don't feel strong. In fact I'm a total mess, mentally and emotionally. I'm trying to fool myself at times. I really don't think any amount of medication or therapy will ever make me ok. When asked, How are you? How do I respond when in fact I have NO IDEA how I am. <sigh>
I think that when my mom was here I was purposely letting her have Grady most of the time. I've been in such a fog that with her or Jimmy feeding or changing him I didn't have to be hit with my reality of it being just Grady. I didn't have to think about only having one baby home. But now that she's gone, and I'm sharing the duties with Jimmy it's forcing me into the new normal....but I can't stop thinking about Cullen. I feel like I think and live in a cyclone. I'm in a downward spiral.....and I don't know which way is up, down or sideways. My feelings and emotions are all over the place.
As much as I thought I was ready to see my friends and talk. I’m finding it hard to write or call people. I have friends I was planning on calling and just haven’t. I feel I don’t have many positive things to say. I’ve been just anxious. It’s a strange place for me to be in. I usually thrive on my friendships. They mean so much to me. My friends make me happy. But I think with the way my life is right now...nothing can really make me happy. I struggle with it. It seems like I’m struggling in SO many ways.
This has been a really difficult week. It's just taken forever....it's just been 9 days since the memorial and feels like a lifetime. It's been 6 weeks since I had the boys, it's the longest 6 weeks of my life. I miss Cullen SO much. I'm waiting to wake up from this horrible horrible nightmare. I want to hold him and cuddle him. I want to kiss his beautiful soft face. I want to rub his fuzzy head....Grady's hair is just as fuzzy on top now....I couldn't imagine not having him too.
Jimmy and I were out to dinner on Thursday while the girls were at Vacation Bible School....while staring at Grady I just started to cry. I wonder when it won't hurt as much. I wonder when I just won't start to cry. I wonder if my new normal will really feel normal. I love my family, but I hate that part of us is not here.
I've been told so many times how strong I am. Hearing that makes me feel like a fraud. I don't feel strong. In fact I'm a total mess, mentally and emotionally. I'm trying to fool myself at times. I really don't think any amount of medication or therapy will ever make me ok. When asked, How are you? How do I respond when in fact I have NO IDEA how I am. <sigh>
I think that when my mom was here I was purposely letting her have Grady most of the time. I've been in such a fog that with her or Jimmy feeding or changing him I didn't have to be hit with my reality of it being just Grady. I didn't have to think about only having one baby home. But now that she's gone, and I'm sharing the duties with Jimmy it's forcing me into the new normal....but I can't stop thinking about Cullen. I feel like I think and live in a cyclone. I'm in a downward spiral.....and I don't know which way is up, down or sideways. My feelings and emotions are all over the place.
As much as I thought I was ready to see my friends and talk. I’m finding it hard to write or call people. I have friends I was planning on calling and just haven’t. I feel I don’t have many positive things to say. I’ve been just anxious. It’s a strange place for me to be in. I usually thrive on my friendships. They mean so much to me. My friends make me happy. But I think with the way my life is right now...nothing can really make me happy. I struggle with it. It seems like I’m struggling in SO many ways.
You know you never have to put on a front for me. I love you and am here for you when you just need to be able to let someone know you're sad and depressed and missing a part of you. Cullen will always be a part of you. A part of your family. You can always talk to me about him and how much you miss him. I'll cry with you (hell, I'm crying as I type this). I wish my life wasn't as chaotic as it is right now so I could spend more time with you, but then again, I don't want you to feel like you need to perform for me because I know you and I know you'd still try to. I love you.
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