Friday, November 18, 2011

who am I


It’s been 21 weeks since the boys were born.  21 painful, confusing, stressful, stomach turning, sleepless, tearful weeks.  At the same time it’s been amazing having Grady.  Even though I have the girls, I never knew that the love I have for Grady existed.  I wonder if that makes me a bad mother.  I feel that way.  I’m not the mother I was hoping to be. I’m lost.  I have no patience.  I’m angry.  I’m weak and I’m tired.  I’ve been told I’m so strong. Well, I have no choice. I am the way I am because I have to be.  But I’m not “strong” all the time.  There are times I can’t see my girls’ smiles through my tears.  I cry while I cook. I cry while I drive. I cry changing Grady. I cry in the shower.  I think of Cullen every day. Every hour.  Every Friday I replay the day they were born.  Over and over.  I’m often asked if I’m “seeing someone” if I’m “getting help.” I laugh at it.  The answer is yes. I am in therapy.  Is it helping....yes. Am I on medication. Yes. I can NOT imagine dealing with everyday life without it.  I wish I could get enough to make me numb.  But I know it’s not possible.  Grady makes me smile. I know he’s a miracle. If it weren’t for Cullen making me go into labor, and I KNOW his distress made me....we wouldn’t have Grady.  He’s my sunshine. At times, he’s the reason I can get out of bed.  I’m a twister of emotion.  I hate it.  Most of the time I can’t describe how I feel.  One minute I’m going through my day, the next it hits me like a runaway train and I’m sobbing.  My mind goes a mile a minute ALL the time.  I still think ‘what if’  I will forever think WHAT IF.  Grady likes to laugh at himself in front of the mirror. He should be looking at Cullen.  I should have 2 beautiful faces to make me smile.  But then more guilt.  If I had both of them I would be that twin mom desperate for a break. I’d be the mom saying it was hard. That I got no sleep. I don’t think I’d appreciate what I had.  You often don’t until you don’t have it.  I’d be the mom I now despise.  The one I’m SO jealous of.  So envious of.  This “special club” I’m now in....sucks.  The only other people that truly know what I am going through are amazing. THEY are my therapy. THEY are my saving graces.  THEY  I have never met.  THEY are just like me. THEY have what we call a survivor and and angel.  Without these women....well...I don’t want to know.  I log onto facebook to see how THEY are doing.  See if THEY are having a bad day or a better day.  THEY are all over the world, yet all in my heart.  On my good days, I like to think of all of our angels together “somewhere.”  I don’t like to say Heaven because I’ve had a hard time believing in God.  More so now than ever really.  I WANT to believe, but really struggle. I want to believe in Heaven. That Cullen is being taken care of. That I will see him again.  But I just don’t know how.  If there is a God, why does he let this happen? WHY does he take precious babies?  I’ve heard that God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle.  I can’t handle this. I’m on medication that isn’t ENOUGH to take the pain away.  I can hardly live my life without feeling completely lost and weak.  I feel the weeks are just passing me by and I’m missing out on so much.  How can I be excited for life again.  How do I get through this.  I know I will be told to give it time....but I just can’t see that helping much.  The pain, the hurt.....will ALWAYS hurt this much....that will never change.  It’s just such a lonely road to travel.  A road that everyone experiences slightly different.  During my ‘good’ moments, I know it’ll get better....it HAS too!  But, on my weak moments, which are more often then I’d like to admit.....I feel like it’ll never be ok. That I will be “fake Allison” forever.  That I will never really know myself.  It’s a horrible feeling not knowing yourself.  

3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Allison, all I can really say.. and I know it's not comforting.. or going to change how you feel.. is that I know I would be the same exact way. I get myself so worked up over thinking of something bad happening to one of my kids and It's like I can't breathe after just moments of letting my mind wander. I think that all of these thoughts and feelings your having is the exact thing that you should be feeling. That's what makes you an excellent person and mom. I never met Cullen and my heart is saddened and heavy for him. There is no fixing it, or going back and that in itself is hard to come to grips with, but maybe there is that hope that you will see him again in heaven. Maybe it is for real and maybe he is able to look down on all of you guys. That's all you can really do, is just hope.

    ReplyDelete
  2. U will never be the same Allison you are forever changed you will always have good days and bad days on 2+ years out and I still cry and have my bad days but I promise it gets easier I swear it <3 I am the same if I hadn't had ore term labor and hadn't been put on a pump and a monitor an Harley haft made me go into labor that day they never would have found Hannah had cut herself off from the placenta and I would have lost her too. She is truley a miracle from 2 lbs at birth to 25 lbs at 2 1/2 she heals my heart a but every day and I thank Harley every day for giving her to me. I promise it will get better my friend I cried as I read this. Just take your grief the way it comes <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh God, Allison. I hear your pain in your words. GOD I'm so sorry. I'm SO SO SORRY!! I don't know what else to say. PLEASE seek God. He is there, He is. He knows every tear you've cried, He cries them right along side you! He holds every tear in His hands. It breaks His heart just as much as it breaks yours, this is NOT how He intended this world to be!! He will redeem it, He will make all things new, He DOES hold your precious Cullen in His hands, safe and sound. I know it's hard, I don't know HOW hard it is, but I can only imagine. You truly are an inspiration, even if you don't feel like you are. You ARE. Ask God to reveal Himself to you. Ask Him for a sign that he has Cullen, perfectly safe and sound. He is faithful. Read the book of Job in the Bible, maybe that will help you understand why/how God allows the things He does. I don't know if we'll ever fully understand this side of eternity. I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you every single day and have been since your boys were born.

    ReplyDelete