Friday, June 19, 2015

Falling apart after so much excitement

I should be excited. I should be jumping out of my skin. Steeped Tea conference 2015 is over and done, and it was AMAZING. As a tea bestie said "We laughed, we cried, we laughed until we cried, we danced, we explored, we became life long friends, we became the family that we didn't realize we needed. We left inspired, motivated, refreshed and exhausted."
This year was SO much more special, I had girls from MY team with me. I got to share this with those amazing women I only know because of Steeped Tea. The raw feelings inside me of gratitude are overwhelming. 

That being said, this has been one of my most depressing weeks in a VERY long time. The depression is so overwhelming, I just feel so unhappy inside. Not ungrateful because depression has nothing to do with that....I'm just so sad. 

Motivation has always been something I struggle with, and embarrassingly, I can't even write down what I experienced in an email to my amazing team. And I'm letting them down. 

What I have realized in the past week and coming week.....Last year my dad was visiting....the last time my children saw him...he died in January. My Time Hop and Facebook keep giving me what I was doing this time last year, 2 years ago and beyond. The memories of the boys' birthdays...the weeks leading up to giving birth to them, I was sick and in so much pain. Then the pain continued with each passing birthday. 

In 5 days my boys will be 4. FOUR!!!! He is  asking SO MANY QUESTIONS and statements about Cullen. 

"where is he?" 

"can I see him?"
 "how do I get there?" 
"I'm sad"
"he's my brother"
"I miss him"
"my heart hurts"

This HURTS SOOOOOO DANG MUCH!!!! I hate seeing my children in pain, but THIS....THIS IS UNREAL.

I feel once again the fog has settled down over my eyes and I can't see before me. I feel like I'm standing in cement and can't move forward. I feel this time, there is no light at the end.