Saturday, December 31, 2011

Goodbye 2011

Grady is 6 months old.  It's been 6 months....six months since I met and said goodbye to Cullen.

Several of my new friends, like myself, have had the worst year ever.  It's amazing how people in general can complain of how horrible life or even a day can be....Most of the time, those people really don't know how horrible it can get.  Most people don't know what it's like to have their world ripped to shreds. Destroyed in a single moment.

The Allison everyone knew, the one that posted on facebook "it's time" on June 24th at 6am.....IS GONE. FOREVER.  The person I lost.  Never to return.  And as the year is ending tonight, a memory.

I still don't know who I am. I don't know much at all.  I feel at times I have amnesia, and am trying to find myself only to realize I'm having to make a new life....

I'm numb.  Not really sure when the "feeling" will come back, if ever.

I hope 2012 will bring me some peace, some "feeling", some HOPE.  I would love to have faith. Faith in something.  Not really sure if it's God....but maybe just faith in myself.

I need to have that faith in myself for my husband, my beautiful children.  MYSELF.

That is my goal for 2012. My resolution.

I've been afraid to say goodbye to 2011. I feel as if I'm saying goodbye to Cullen. But as my friends remind me, it's not HIM.  It's the PAIN.....goodbye to the anguish I have felt and the blame I have had. The blame I have on myself.  I have felt I caused this.  That I deserved this.  I MUST let it go.....

So 30 minutes from now.....I'm freeing myself from the pain I have caused myself.  I'm letting it go.....because it's NOT my fault.