Confession time.
Since January this year I have been on ZERO medication for my depression. What does that give a person? A few months of "hey, I can do this!" THEN....you start thinking about the upcoming summer...then you find out someone close to you has terminal cancer and there is nothing that can be done. Your life flips the hell around and you start to spin out of control. I became that mom that just screams at her kids for everything. I avoided my friends....by business started to suffer....my team I hold "together" starts to drift apart. I feel like a failure.
Depression...dark depression isn't something you can just pick up a phone and call your doctor and say, "hey, I'm screwed up because I was stupid and stopped taking my meds because I was 'feeling fine'." Dark depression is the inability to do MORE than pick up the phone and ask for help....you stop doing basic things. Washing your face, brushing your teeth, brushing your hair and you shower less. I stopped cooking because, as most moms, you're tired of half your kids not eating what you made, so you just stop caring. You grocery shop less, because what is the point. And don't forget you start to eat junk.
Through all of this.....mostly from May until now, I've been treading water...and sinking a few times. I've screamed at my kids, I'm not proud of it. But, I also know I am NOT the only mom who has "THOSE" days....I may get them just about everyday. But I am human. I am lonely. I am ashamed. WHY? WHY are we made to feel this way. Because ASKING for help somehow makes you feel like a dam failure....and that is STUPID.
I stopped enjoying my children. Their summer was boring. They didn't do much...the thought of leaving the house with all three of them seemed like pure torture. The bickering....the chasing Grady....I had NO energy, or drive...to do a darn thing. Luckily they were able to go to camp a few times. You know I NEVER once took them to the beach :(
Grady and Cullen's birthday, came and went. It's been 3 YEARS since I held him. It SUCKS. It still hurts. Does it mean I love my other children less, NO. What do I think of now? Grady's best friend is gone. They would have been SO crazy and SO funny. Because Grady really is both of them. I believe the last few weeks of my pregnancy Cullen may have taken all of Grady's blood, but he replaced it with LOVE, LAUGHTER and a bit of comedy. I didn't sing Happy Birthday to Cullen this time. :( I don't want Grady to feel as if he's not enough....because boy IS HE! He's AMAZING. And with my depression and sadness it's been so so difficult to appreciate him.
I haven't appreciated much. My girls have suffered greatly. Jimmy has suffered, he has had to pick up all the slack I simply can't handle (which has been A LOT!) I don't say Thank You enough. It's always been a very hard thing for me to say. WHY? Again, in my eyes it's because I wasn't good enough. It's hard living this way when you are SO darn tough on yourself.
I made the call just a few weeks ago to my psychiatrist. I was so afraid he would yell at me for not seeing him for A YEAR! But he didn't. He was awesome. He promised me I would get better and FEEL better. He's figured out why so many medications haven't worked...last year he was ready to try ECT, which scared the crap out of me, he actually said he was at a loss as to why medications wouldn't work on me. This time, we are trying mood stabilizers....for Bipolar. It makes sense to me. I may have not had the extremes you hear about....but I've ALWAYS thought I was. We are ramping me up on my dosage along with my prozac. We will see. I haven't had the outbursts like I did, but it's just been a few weeks.
Today I took Georgia to see a new therapist. It was a VERY emotional day. We talked about how sick she was as a baby, how her sensory issues have ALWAYS played a role in who she is. We spoke about Cullen, the loss of her PopPop last year...my 'disappearances' when the boys were born, when Grady was 6 weeks old and when I was placed into the hospital 2 years ago for a week. It was exhausting. Feeling like you've caused so many of your child's issues, sucks.
My Tea business is amazing. However, with life going the way it's going, I'm trying my best to stay on top of my team. When I started this 2 years ago after my hospital stay, it was to have something FOR ME....to get me out and talking to adults. It's blossomed into having a team of over 60 all over the US! The last thing I want to do is disappoint these amazing people that look up to me. Never did I think this would happen.
In October I will take a journey no child wants to take. I will fly across country to see my dad. My dad's health has never been the best, but his body was always able to fight and come through it. This time, my dad has metastatic bone cancer. I'm "saying it outloud" now....because I simply can't hold my sadness and heartache inside much longer. My relationship with my dad has not always been the easiest. But he's ALWAYS loved me and bragged about me and my accomplishments. He's ALWAYS been there when I needed advise about my car or our new house or precious rental issues. I don't want to lose him. He's been the BEST he could be, because really, that is all we have. The best we have to give, is different each day. It depends on life. It depends on how you feel physically. It depends on if your heart is hurting. Once again, I realize from the death of Cullen....you NEVER should judge a person on the way they treat you just from one day....you don't know if their dog died, or they were let go from a job, they lost a loved one, or was just diagnosed with a terminal illness. You also, CAN'T compare depression. What makes one person depressed may be totally different than yourself. All you can do, all you SHOULD do, is say that you are sorry. There is no "what if" or "at least."
I've always been fairly open about my depression. Why be quiet? There are SO many people that need help in the world that are too ashamed or feel too alone. You never know who you might help. SO I encourage you, TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS....and don't wait to get help like me.....
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