Friday, April 22, 2011

what a mom thinks....and feels

As a mom I often wonder if THIS is what I'm supposed to be doing.  Am I doing everything I possibly can to make the lives of my children the best it can be?  I second guess EVERYTHING I do.  I also LOSE it way too easily.  The last thing I want to do is "mess" things up.  Besides being pregnant and exhausted, I was tired and drained BEFORE the existence of Batman and Robin.  The constant questions and repeating a child does, DRAINS YOU.  How many times can a person repeat themselves without getting annoyed?

How do you take time for yourself really, and NOT feel the MOMMY GUILT?  I'm always wanting Jimmy to get some time for himself. After all, he works, out of the home, AT NIGHT!  He deserves it.  YET, when he does go running or something there is STILL that stupid part of me that is angry.  UGH.  I hate it.  WHY do I do this?!?!  He's constantly telling me to go get a pedicure or go get some coffee or just get out. DO I? NO?  WHY? Because of MOMMY GUILT.  Why doesn't anyone warn you about this?  No matter what I do, I think I could be spending this money on XY & Z.....and NOT on me.  Yes, I've been told Oh, you need to take care of yourself before you are able to take care of others.....blah blah blah.  Those people don't know ME! LOL.  I am the QUEEN of guilt.  I've always felt too selfish, that I don't deserve it.  Maybe that explains my high anxiety?!

Speaking of anxiety. Once again, why doesn't anyone ever tell you about how scary it is to have children and "LET GO" at times.  There are so many horrifying stories. Some, like Sarah Foxwell that are just literally, WAY too close to home.  Ever since the disappearance of Sarah and watching the tragedy unfold in our town my anxiety increased. It's never gone away. I check on the girls nightly. I worry constantly.  I feel like I live on edge ALWAYS.  With Jimmy gone at night I can't help but THINK.  Having his past job in law enforcement and his job now....he still gets threats.  I have the angel and devil in my head that argue back and forth about what can possibly happen and what most likely will NEVER HAPPEN.  But as a MOTHER, the *WHAT IF* is very real.

I just go on....with the anxiety, with the THOUGHTS, with the worry.  I tell my girls I love them as much as I can. I feel GUILTY when I lose it and yell. But I ALWAYS HUG THEM and SAY SORRY when I need to.  I try not to rush too much. I try to remember that  this moment I will NEVER get back.  And most of all....I BREATHE...I remember they are innocent, are pure and ALWAYS learning. I'm the one to teach them right and wrong. I just try my best and remember too, I am NOT perfect in anyway AND I too am still learning. I'm learning about me. I learn about my faults, my strengths and my weaknesses.  I try to better myself for myself and my children.  And I guess.....that means taking some time for recharge.  hmmmm, interesting.  :)